December 1980

          The tree glittered in the darkness as she and Joe cuddled on the couch. He had been home for a few weeks and the tension was starting to mount again. He was still trying to persuade her to move with the boys to Africa with him and she was trying to persuade him to stay home with her.

          Neither of them had been very happy but they were at least at a détente for the holiday. Christmas was a few days away and they wanted everything to be good for Phillip and Jamie. She snuggled deeper into his arms which reminded her of all the good times they had had together. That is what she wanted to remember, not the times they had fought and sniped at each other. She tipped her head back and looked into his eyes. He looked back down at her and leaned down to kiss her. She allowed the kiss to go deeper. His arms moved to caress her. He moved her to one side and stood up. At her questioning glance, he held his hand out to her and helped her up from the couch. They walked up the stairs to their bedroom and quietly to love.

          Amanda could feel herself trying very hard to pleasure him while he did the same to her. She realized that they were both trying desperately to persuade the other with their bodies since appealing to their minds and reason had not worked.

          Eventually, Amanda sat up and took Joe’s hand. “This isn’t working.” She caressed his face.

          “We can make it work.” He replied, reaching for her again.

          A sudden awareness hit her as she stopped his hand. “No, Joe, we can’t. We can’t keep going on like this. The tension isn’t good for us or Phillip and Jamie.” She took a deep breath. “I can live with you…,” tears began to flow as she felt her breath hitch. “I can live without you…but I can’t live this half-life any longer. I feel like you’re an occasional husband. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I can’t live like this anymore.”

          Joe sat up next to her. “What are you saying?”

          She started hesitantly. “I…” Her voice firmed. “I think we should get a divorce.” The words clogged in her throat.

          She searched his face for surprise but didn’t see it. “A divorce? Really?” Joe replied quietly holding her hand. “But, I still love you.”

          She caressed his face. “I still love you too. I’m just not in love with you anymore and I don’t think you are in love with me, either.”

          “How can you say that?” She recognized the defensive tone is his voice.

          “If you loved me enough, you’d be home with me.”

          “Or you’d be with me in Africa.” His voice held understanding.

          “Yes. I don’t want the kind of marriage where we grow to hate and resent each other or stay together for the sake of the children. If we end it now we can still be friends and remember all the good times we had.”

He was quiet for a moment. “I think you are right.” Looking down at his naked form, he blew out a humorless laugh. “I can’t believe this is happening like this.”  He scrubbed his face with his hand and lay back down again. “Who knows maybe one day, if the time is right, we’ll find each other again.” He pulled her to him and rested her head on his shoulder. Her hand made small circles on his chest as she considered the enormity of the discussion. Her rings glittered in the soft light. She finally remembered who she was and knew her father would be proud of her.

          With the feeling letting go of something she had tried frantically to hold on to very tightly, she lifted her head and kissed her husband softly. He responded to her overtures and loving him came much easier this time.