March 1979

         Early morning light streamed into her bedroom as she pondered getting up. The boys were still asleep and she treasured the few moments in the morning to organize her thoughts and day. She rolled over and looked at the empty pillow.  Joe was gone again. This time he thought he would be gone for six or seven months. As the drought continued, the famine had grown worse in Estoccia and Joe had been instrumental in getting aid to the people there. His letters were filled with information about his job and how much he felt he was making a difference. She was glad Joe was fulfilled, she, however, felt empty.

Every time he was home they followed the same pattern. Everything was perfect for the first few weeks; they were attentive to each other and the boys. Then Joe started back to work and then the tension would begin to build. As her husband and the boys’ father, he assumed the decision making role in the house.  Amanda didn’t mind sharing the decisions with him, but he often didn’t consult her. He must have been feeling the tension as well because on his last trip, he spent more time at the office than he did at home. She realized she was being selfish, but she wanted her husband home with her. She tried not to mind what he was doing. She just couldn’t help herself. Yet when she was sure she couldn’t take anymore, he would do something sweet or thoughtful and she would be overtaken with a wave of love and all would be right. “Amanda,” she said to herself as she got out of bed, “you just have to get your priorities straight.” Her boys, husband and home were her first concerns always.

She took a shower and as she rubbed lotion on her hands the ring her father gave her caught her attention. “He always wanted me to be myself. To remember who I am.” She murmured as she ran her hand up her arms. ‘Have I forgotten?’ Why did her father’s words keep coming back to her?

A knock sounded at the door. “Darling, are you up?” Her mother’s voice came clearly through the door. Amanda put on her robe. “Come on in.”

“Oh good, you’re up. I started breakfast for the boys. Don’t forget that today is your parent – teacher conference with Phillip’s teacher.” Her mother said while she started straightening Amanda’s bed.

“I didn’t forget, but thank you for reminding me.” Last November, her mother had gotten a good offer on her house and sold it. Amanda and Joe invited her to live with them since Joe was away so often. She insisted she wouldn’t stay forever, but would move out when she found an apartment or condominium she liked. Amanda was just grateful for all the help her mother gave her every day. While they had always been close, especially after her father died, they had grown even closer over the past few months.

“Okay, so I’ll take Jamie to nursery school and Phillip to kindergarten, then I will hit the store. Is there anything you need me to pick up along the way?”

“I can’t think of anything.” Her mother fluffed the pillows on the bed. After staring at Joe’s side of the bed, her mother looked up at her. “Darling, are you happy?”

“What do you mean? Of course, I’m happy. I have the boys, Joe and you.” She walked over to give her mother a hug. “What’s not to be happy about?”

Her mother put a hand on her cheek. “Darling, it just seems that you are more subdued lately. Like you’re holding yourself in more, not being yourself. It’s like you have this other person you are trying to be. You deserve to have someone who’ll love you unconditionally.”

Amanda was startled by her mother’s comment. “I have that. Joe loves me.”

“Does he really?” She finished straightening the bed. “I’m not one to interfere in your life or your marriage. It just seems to me that Joe doesn’t have his priorities straight. I just want you to know that I’m here for you, always.”

Amanda smiled and felt tears welling in her eyes. “I know, Mother. Thank you.” She whispered.

They both heard a crash in the other room followed by a shout of annoyance. “It looks like Butch and Sundance are moving around.”

“I’ll ride herd on them. You get dressed.” Her mother offered.

“Thank you.” Her mother’s question once again ran through her head. Was she happy? No answer came readily back to her.