A Battle Lost
"And I thought you didn't go to any trouble," Lee stated as he picked up the two cups of coffee and headed into the den.
"Oh, it really wasn't any trouble. They were having a fund raiser for Jamie's soccer team so I baked a cake and then I baked another," stated Amanda simply as she followed behind him. "Here you go. I hope you like it." She handed him the slice of cake and picked up her own. The fork was poised in her hand when she looked up and her eyes met his. It would be a moment frozen forever in time in her mind. The realization that they both were ready and willing to take that next step.
Lee cleared his throat as Amanda set her plate down on the table. Lee followed suit and whispered, "Amanda." Nothing more needed to be said. She leaned forward; ready to meet him half way. Just as their lips were about to meet, they heard the slamming of car doors.
"Oh no, Mother and the boys. You gotta get out of here!" she exclaimed frantically trying to shoo Lee out the backdoor before her mother and the boys burst through the front.
"Oh….yeah," Lee muttered as he jumped over the couch, grabbed his jacket and headed out the backdoor. Amanda hurriedly gathered the "extra" piece of cake and coffee cup, setting them in the sink before she headed outside. She wasn't sure if Lee would be there but at least she hoped she could tell him goodbye.
She turned her attention to quietly closing the door when she felt a hand reach out and grab her upper arm. Gasping, she just had time to turn and recognize Lee's face. He looked into her eyes and smiled seductively. His eyes lowered from hers to her lips and then his lips brushed quickly over hers. The look of utter passion in his eyes said it all as he opened his to see the desire she felt for him. He leaned forward as if to capture her lips in a more demanding kiss, but hearing a commotion coming from inside the kitchen, he turned and hurried away. Amanda leaned forward slightly as she anticipated his kiss, but before she felt his lips on hers, he was walking away. The tingle she felt on her lips seemed radiate throughout her body. A warm smile spread across her face as she watched him disappear into the darkness.
Lee jumped into his car but delayed starting it. His heart was racing and he felt as if an electrical current was traveling throughout his body. He shivered from the feeling. He fleetingly ran his tongue over his lips, and could taste the sweetness of Amanda's lips. It had been a brief, a very brief kiss, but one that was so long in coming. Damn! It happened again. They were interrupted again just when things were about to happen. But this time it was different. This was more than the friendly times and easy-going banter they'd shared on numerous occasions. He wanted more than anything to kiss her, really kiss her, and from the look in Amanda's eyes, she'd wanted it to. For just a moment, he closed his eyes and leaned his head back allowing himself to think about what would have happened if… His head snapped up. Giving it a quick shake to clear those thoughts from his head, he started the car. Oh, well, no sense in exploring that avenue right now.
Lee was giddy. The feeling he was experiencing was akin to the intoxicating euphoria he found many times after a night of nursing a bottle of scotch. A goofy grin plastered itself upon his face. At least this time, he wouldn't have to suffer the consequences of the morning after. In fact, thinking about that kiss as he drove away from Amanda's house brought to mind the same feeling that washed over him once before. Only at that time he'd been eleven years old and just kissed his first serious girlfriend. He remembered feeling all jittery and silly and a jumble of emotions. He chuckled to himself. Somehow twenty-some odd years between the two did little to change the feelings he was now experiencing.
He was too keyed up to sleep so there was no point in driving home. Instead, he simply drove allowing his mind to wander. He'd spent the better part of three years in confusion over the feelings he felt for Amanda. He had traveled the gamut of the emotional treadmill since he'd met her. At first, he found her annoying and quite often voiced his reluctance to work with her. He simply did not understand her perkiness and love of life. Irritation had become tolerance and acceptance and then appreciation and friendship. And yet, their friendship was like no other he had ever experienced. So then, what exactly was he feeling? 'Well, let's see,' he thought to himself, 'happy, yeah, definitely happy, giddy, confused, scared, excited, no not excited; well, not in the sexual sense. What, are you an idiot, Stetson? After all, you're a red blooded American male with a healthy sex drive and Amanda is a beautiful and wonderful woman'. Of course you're excited in that sense. He had, of his own volition, put his sex life on hold.He thought for a moment trying to determine exactly when the parade of women in his life had stopped. His thoughts had been focused on Amanda for so long, he hadn't thought about any other woman. For the life of him, he couldn't….and then it came to him…Leslie. She was the last woman to share his bed. It took him a while, but he realized that he'd hurt Amanda's feelings by dating Leslie. Amanda would often joke about his string of girlfriends, but she had been jealous of Leslie and that was no joking matter. It wasn't until he saw then together that understood what an idiot he had been.
That thought sobered him quickly. He hadn't meant to hurt her especially once he began to comprehend the depth of his feelings for her. He'd vowed to himself after Eric was killed that he would never allow himself to care deeply about another person. But he did care for Amanda and whether he wanted to admit it or not, he had become a better person because of her influence. But he was also scared. Each time he had been tempted to open his heart, he'd been hurt. His relationship with Dorothy had just begun to blossom when she was mercilessly shot by Serdeyich. Then there was Eva. He'd fallen in love with her or so he thought, but she had never loved him. He smiled. Amanda helped him through that difficult time in his life. His smile broadened. Amanda, in fact had helped him through a number of difficulties. In fact, no matter how many times he pushed her away, she always managed to be there for him when he needed her. When he'd had finally allowed himself to realize it, he noticed that he felt differently with Amanda. All those times he felt like he was protecting her, she returned the favor by comforting him and providing him with the companionship he so desperately needed. Because of her, he almost hated to admit it, but he had become a better agent. He no longer thought first with his fists. He'd become less reckless, knowing he'd have to keep Amanda safe.
He needed to examine his feelings in more depth and he knew driving was not the place to be having such thoughts. So, he turned the 'vette in the direction of one of his favorite Washington parks. The park was deserted, as he knew it would be at this time of night. This was a place he came on numerous occasions just to think or to clear his head or to review the details of a demanding case. Feeling the need to relax and clear his head before he began his self-exploration, he turned on the radio. He wasn't really paying attention to what was playing. He just wanted some background noise, as he looked out, hypnotized by the moonbeams playing on the gently flowing Potomac River. He relaxed and opened the window to enjoy the warm summer breeze. Laying his head back against the headrest, he closed his eyes. The picture his mind produced was that of Amanda, smiling that special smile. The picture in his mind caused him to smile. A song began playing on the radio and he suddenly felt was if the words were speaking directly to him.
"I can't fight this feeling any longer
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show.
Lee smiled as the memory of their first encounter came to mind. Amanda looked so unassuming, so innocent; he instinctively knew he could count on her. Their friendship had been slow to blossom at least on his part. He was at first unwilling and unbending in his acceptance of her. But in spite of all his early protests and frustrations, Amanda remained his most faithful and staunch supporter. They had become friends, good friends, no, the best of friends. Lee allowed Amanda to see glimpses of himself that he'd never shared with another human being. And still, she believed in him, never criticizing him for his checkered past.
I tell myself that I can't hold out forever
I said there is no reason for my fear
Cause I feel so secure when we're together
You give my life direction
You make everything so clear.
It was time for a change. He was ready for a change. He was thirty-four years old and he had been alone most of his life. He tried, without success, to convince himself that's what he wanted. But since Amanda came into his life, he found himself drawn to her. But still, he was afraid. Could he risk his heart one more time? What if she didn't feel the same way about him? Could he survive without her in his life? 'Why are you even thinking this way? You saw the look in her eyes tonight. You know she wanted to kiss you as much as you wanted to kiss her,' he told himself.
And even as I wander
I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window
On a cold dark winter's night.
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.
He smiled as he listened to the words. Amanda was his anchor. He'd often asked himself why he found the need to drive to her house late in the evening. At first he tried to convince himself it was to make sure she was safe. Well, that may have been part of the reason. But Amanda, and by extension her family, had become his candle in the window. His beacon. No matter how hectic and crazy his world became at times, he sought the comfort and warmth that flowed from the house at 4247 Maplewood Drive in Arlington.
And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
Throw away the oars forever.
Lee shook his head in rueful awareness. How ironic that this song succinctly summed up his life? Although he had up to this point led an exciting life, the excitement and rewards had all been on the professional side. In his personal life, he merely existed day in and day out, like a boat adrift on the sea with no direction.
Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crashing through your door
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.
Right, he was tired of living the life he was leading. Only since Amanda's friendship had he began to feel alive again. It was through her influence that he began to live life, not simply get through it.
My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
I've been running round in circles in my mind
And it always seems that I'm following you, girl
Cause you take me to the places that alone I'd never find
Lee had to laugh out loud. Truer words were never spoken. His life had become a whirlwind since he picked Amanda out of that crowd at the train station. She was like no other woman he'd ever encountered. At times, frustrating, compelling, irritating, alluring, she had the ability to send him in fifteen different directions at one time. In their professional relationship, he was indeed the senior partner, but through example, not force, she helped him discover things about himself and deal with his past heartaches.
And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
Throw away the oars forever
Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crashing through your door
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore.
'Wow!' Lee exclaimed to himself. This song described exactly what he was feeling. He wanted more from his relationship with Amanda than just friendship and after the desire he'd seen reflected in her eyes tonight, he believed she wanted it too. He was drawn to her, like a moth to a flame. But what was it he was feeling? The one thing he was well aware of is that he'd never felt this way about anyone else. Was this love? Is this how it felt to be in love? He wanted to be with her. He wanted to share her life, her dreams, her hopes and he wanted her to share his as well. And he wanted all this as much if not more than he wanted her body. For the first time in his life, he was enjoying the companionship of a woman, this woman, without it automatically leading to the bedroom. He chuckled wryly realizing how long it had actually been since he'd shared his body with anyone. Yeah, sure, he missed the euphoric, but short-lived feeling that came with the physical release of sex, but he found he hadn't missed the act as much as he thought. And, he'd been careful in choosing the women he invited to share his bed. He always made sure that those women were after the same thing as he, just a quick romp in bed with no emotional attachments. There had been rumors around the Agency that the great Scarecrow was losing his touch. It wasn't that. With Amanda's help and guidance, he realized that it was time to explore his emotional needs rather than his physical needs. Needless to say, he had been exploring his physical needs for quite sometime and what had it gotten him. Nothing but a long string of brief encounters with countless women, many of whose names or faces he didn't even remember. After all, even with all the women he'd bedded, there wasn't one that felt about him the way Amanda did. Nor was there any woman who came to mind that affected him in the same way as Amanda. He enjoyed spending time with her. He loved working with her and being her partner. He felt an overpowering need to protect her. He sought out her warmth and compassion. But it was her un-wavering trust in him that he worked the hardest to preserve. No one in his entire life ever believed in him the way Amanda did. In the beginning of their relationship, he'd been foolish enough to pass it off as a mere schoolgirl crush. As their professional and personal relationship grew, Amanda had stood by him time and time again when those who called themselves his friends were quick to write him off. Then, he'd done the unthinkable. Even though the incident happened quite a while ago, it was as painful to recall as if happened just yesterday. While playing a burned out agent, he'd slapped her. He would never forget the look in her eyes at that moment. Hurt and betrayal replaced the trust and compassion. A cold, hard look of betrayal replaced the warmth usually reflected in those dark brown eyes. His heart sank as he realized exactly what he'd done. The physical pain she experienced as a result of the slap was nothing compared to the emotional pain his betrayal caused. His heart ceased to beat in its usual rhythm and a tight fist seemed to grip his chest making it almost impossible to breathe. That is until she forgave him, utterly and completely. He promised himself on that day that he would never again do anything to betray her trust in him.
So maybe this was it – maybe this is how it felt to really love someone. He still wasn't sure, not because he doubted his feelings but because he had nothing in his life to use as a measure of comparison. Growing up on numerous military bases allowed little exposure to loving relationships. He thought about his parents but he'd been so young when they died, he really had no concept of the bond between two people totally committed to each other. And his occupation left little room for lasting friendships much less a loving relationship. 'But this has to be love,' he told himself. Straightening in his seat, he shook his head ironically. The song was right; he could no longer fight the feeling. He needed to tell her how he felt. He needed to know how she felt about him and they needed to figure out what direction their relationship would take. Laughing out loud as a quick thought passed through his mind. He thought about driving back to her house, climbing the trellis and telling her what he was feeling. He quickly dismissed that thought, although it held merit. It was too late, and he still needed to organize this jumble of thoughts. He needed some more time before he could express in words what he was currently feeling and what revelations he'd discovered this evening. Yeah, more time, but he made himself a promise. 'Before long we are going to have a long talk and I will tell her how I feel.' Coming to that conclusion, he smiled broadly, started the 'vette, and began his journey home.
The End
Story Notes:
These characters are the property of Warner Brothers and Shoot the Moon productions. The song used in this story was performed by REO Speedwagon. The story picks up with the tag from Dean Men Leave No Trails, which was written by Whitney Wherret Robinson.