Some Justice—Part Six 

4247 Maplewood Dr.  
 
Wednesday, March 28, 2001 
 
9:30 PM  
 
"Is she asleep?" Amanda asked as Lee came into their bedroom. She put down the booklet she'd been reading—Lee guessed it was another Agency manual—Billy had assigned her to teach another training class.

 
"Yes," Lee sat on the bed beside his wife. "She's all curled up in that little ball again—even with the relaxation exercises."  
 
"It's understandable, isn't it?"  Amanda took his hands in hers. "Today wasn't exactly easy on her."  
 
Lee shook his head. "No, it wasn't—if she sleeps through the night we'll be lucky."  
 
"We knew there'd be setbacks around this time, remember? We talked about it."   
 
"I know we talked about it, Amanda—I—just—seeing her have that flashback—the fear in her eyes was—I sort of hoped I'd never have to see that again." He drew in a deep breath—trying to dispel the image from his mind. "If Welling hadn't—" 
 
"I'm sure Mr. Welling didn't mean any harm—he's there to help Jenna, remember?"   
 
"Help—do you really think any of this is actually helping her?"  
 
"Of course it is—by exposing her to this, helping to prepare her—we'll make her strong enough to face what's coming."  
 
"Maybe—or we'll end up doing even further damage." 
 
"Lee—I really doubt that. We're doing this in a safe environment, Jenna trusts you—she trusts Dr. Pfaff—she knows we'd never hurt her."   
 
"I hope you're right—but I'll tell you one thing—if that defense attorney so much as moves even one millimeter from his chair during the hearing, I swear—I'll—" he paused. "I'm sorry, I know comments like that aren't helpful."    
 
Amanda squeezed his hands. "No—but they're understandable."   
 
"I'd just like to spare her any more pain, that's all."   
 
"That's what these mock sessions are meant to do."   
 
"Well you wouldn't think so if you saw one—I mean, that flashback—" 
 
"How did Jenna react afterwards?" Amanda asked.  
 
"As soon as she realized she was safe, she was fine—actually—I think she was probably more embarrassed than anything else."  
 
"Embarrassed?"  
 
"That it had happened in front of everyone," Lee said, thinking back to that moment. Amanda nodded understandingly as he spoke.  "Afterwards she even wanted to continue with the session—but I thought it was best to go home and pick it up later—Pfaff agreed with me." 
 
"How did Jenna feel—how was she in the car going home?"   
 
Lee was silent for a few moments—staring down at the carpet. "She thought I was mad at something—that I was mad at her—that she'd let me down somehow." His voice was very low. "I swear—I never meant to make her think that." 

"But you were angry at something."  Even though he wasn't looking at her Lee could feel her gaze on him—eyes piercing—she was always able to see right through him.  
 
"I told her I was angry at the traffic—which was part of the truth—I didn't want her to know the real reason."   
 
"Which is?"  
 
"The whole situation, that's what I'm angry at," Lee said. "That she even has to testify—that Gary won't plead guilty and spare her all this—the very least he could do.  I want that man behind bars for life, but having to sit there and listen to that—the lawyers berating Jenna, picking on the little things—it's killing me that I'm supposed to sit there quietly and let them do that, not say anything—not make a scene."   
 
"You jumped in, didn't you?" Amanda asked. Again Lee nodded.  "What did you say?"  
 
"All I tried to do was defend her, Amanda—that's all I did."   
 
"Lee, she has to speak for herself in court."   
 
"I'm just trying to protect her—lord knows I haven't been able to protect her from much, but I at least have to try."  
 
"Protecting her is one thing, but if you're jumping in every few minutes you could be making her feel like she can't do it herself—and you could damage the case."  
 
"Mr. Dutton said that too—that if I kept doing that, if I couldn't control myself—that maybe I wasn't the best person to be with her while she testifies. Maybe I'm not—maybe you, or Francine—even Billy."  
 
"She'll want you though—she'll want you there—you make her feel safe." 
 
Safe—Lee thought back to Jenna curling up into that tight little ball—she certainly didn’t seem like she felt safe then.   
 
"I'd like to be there with her," he told Amanda. "If I harm her case, though—that wouldn't be good."  
 
"No, it wouldn't be."  Amanda said.  
 
"So, what do I do?  I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to abandon her either."  
 
"I think you might want to go see Dr. Pfaff yourself."   
 
"Again?" Lee repeated. Pfaff was one thing he'd really hoped was in his past. "You think he can help?"   
 
"Yes, I do—when's Jenna's next session?" 
 
"Friday."    
 
"Well in that case you can see him tomorrow." 
 
Pfaff—part of Lee had really hoped that he'd seen the last of those sessions. On the other hand—if it would help him to help Jenna, to support her without blowing up like this—"Yeah—I'll do it," he said finally. 

IFF  
 
Thursday, March 29, 2001  
 
8:30 AM 
 
"I have to say, it's a surprise to see you here this morning, Lee."  Dr. Pfaff said. "Although after yesterday, maybe not such a surprise. Ice cream?"   
 
"No—I and I don't need the sofa either." Lee replied. 
 
"Somehow that doesn't surprise me," crouching beside the freezer, Dr. Pfaff pulled out an ice cream sandwich. He sat down on the sofa as he unwrapped the sandwich. "How's Jenna? Did she have a good night?" 
 
Lee shook his head. "No—it wasn't a good night at all."   
 
"Was it a nightmare?"  
 
Lee couldn't speak for a moment as the images flooded his mind—Jenna all curled up, shaking—a soft keening noise coming from deep in her throat—tears soaking his shirt as he held her trembling form tightly, rocking her the way you'd rock an infant.  
 
"You're safe now, munchkin—he's gone—he'll never hurt you again." 
 
"No—getting out—he's coming for me—he's here—"  
 
"He's not here—I promise—he'll never have the chance—"  
 
He realized that Dr. Pfaff was looking at him curiously—waiting for him to speak.  
 
"One nightmare—it was pretty bad—she kept saying that Gary was getting out—that he'd come for her."  
 
"That's a reasonable fear—especially with the approaching hearing. How long did it take to calm her down?"   
 
"About fifteen minutes."   
 
"We'll keep working on that—the relaxation—we'll get there," Pfaff said.  "You're going to need to be patient, Lee—these setbacks don't mean that Jenna's having a complete relapse—it's just a normal reaction to the stress she's under."   
 
"You say that—you've said that before—it's just sometimes with Jenna I feel—" 
 
Pfaff took a bite out of his ice cream. "Feel what?"   
 
"Well sometimes she seems grown up—almost like a teenager—other times it's like she's a little girl again."  
 
"Lee, she's at that in-between age," Dr. Pfaff said. "Also, some regression is a standard part of PTSD in children— so if Jenna calls you 'daddy' instead of 'dad', wants to cuddle a favorite stuffed animal or watches shows she enjoyed when she was younger it's all normal—there's no reason to panic about it."   
 
"So there's no problem?" 
   
"If there was a severe regression I might worry—a small regression simply means she's feeling a little insecure and stressed. The PTSD has not gone away, you know. It's lessened—she's healing—but it's still there."  
 
Still there. Lee drew a deep breath into his lungs and let it out slowly. "And the flashback Jenna had yesterday—was that normal too?" 
 
Pfaff nodded. "Very normal."   
 
"Jenna said she didn't even see it coming."   
 
"I'm not surprised—it's still an unconscious reaction with her, especially when she's in a vulnerable position—we really have to work on that."   
 
"Work on it with her?" Lee repeated. "How?" 
 
"Show her that everyone who leans towards her or stands over her does not mean to harm her—break the link—it's part of the thought challenging portion of PTSD, remember?"   
 
"I remember now." Lee said. "But I'm telling you right now—that lawyer of Johnston's better keep his distance from Jenna."  
 
"Ideally I'd prefer that too—but there's no guarantee—that man has a tendency to see how far he can push the envelope—and I'm betting he'll pull out all the stops for a trial this high-profile."  
 
"Yeah."   Lee had switched on the news in the Q-Bureau this morning to see the man on the Today Show, claiming that the gag order was 'an attempt to stifle his freedom of speech'—he had been forced to turn off the set before he punched the screen through with his fist.  
 
"You see why we're preparing Jenna now?" Dr. Pfaff said. "She was embarrassed by her episode yesterday—imagine how she'd feel if she had that attack on CCTV or worse yet—in the open courtroom."  
 
"I see it," Lee said. "Of course I do—objectively, I can see it—but the reality—it's hard for me to sit there and watch my own child going through all that pain—and I'm just supposed to sit and watch." 
 
"The truth is, if you don't sit through it, she'll end up hurting much more in the long run."  Dr. Pfaff threw his ice cream wrapper into the wastepaper basket. "Jenna wants you there, Lee—she wants you to sit beside her—she feels safe with you." 

The same thing Amanda had said last night. "Doc, I want to be beside her—I don't want her to go through all this without support—but maybe what Mr. Dutton said was right—maybe I'm not the best one to be there."   
 
"Not if you keep doing what you're doing, no."    
 
"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Lee said dryly.  
 
"Lee, what do you want me to say?"  Dr. Pfaff said. "That you jumping in every two minutes during Jenna's testimony is okay? You know that's not true—you wouldn't be here if you didn't think there was a problem."   
 
"Yes I know that, but I don't know how to stop—and if I can't stop. I shouldn't be there—I don't want to hurt Jenna's case."    
 
"Why can't you stop?"    
 
Why—that was the most important question—and the hardest—Lee took yet another deep breath, running both hands through his hair.  
 
"I just—I see her going through that—she just looked so sad—so scared—I just wanted to protect her, that's all."  
 
"Possibly because you felt like you couldn't protect her in the past—is that it?"  
 
"It could be," Lee said guardedly.  
 
"Can't you see that getting Gary Johnston out of her life—out of all of your lives—would do the most to protect Jenna in the long run?  You don't want him to be acquitted."  
 
"Of course I don't!"  Lee snapped.  
 
"And yet that's what could potentially happen if you sabotage Jenna's testimony." 
 
The man's detached tone was downright infuriating to Lee—making a fist, he thumped his leg, hard. "I'm not—that's not what I'm trying to do here."    
 
"I never said that you were purposely trying to do that, Lee—but if you continue this way that's exactly what you'll be doing."  
 
"I—that's not what I want to do—I want to help Jenna, support her—not hurt her."  
 
"Well, that's why you're here." 
 
Lee didn't reply, just nodded as Dr. Pfaff continued speaking.   
 
"By jumping in, what you're telling Jenna—in an indirect sense—is that you have no confidence in her ability to testify—by trying to protect her you're saying that you don't believe in her—you don't think she can do it herself."  
 
"But I do think she can do it—I told her that she could do it—that I had faith in her."  
 
"Those are just words—your actions say otherwise." 
 
"That's not what you said during the session." 
 
Jenna had told him that yesterday, in the car—was that what he was doing? Lee wondered—saying one thing but showing her another? She had wanted to continue the session—told him she could do it—he had told her she could but his actions—hustling her out of the room— 
 
All he wanted to do was protect her—but how to do that without hurting everything—he shook his head, trying to untangle his jumbled thoughts and feelings.  
 
"What is it?"  Dr. Pfaff asked.   
 
"I'm just—I guess I'm angry—Jenna thought I was angry at her yesterday—asked me—she  thought she had let me down, but it wasn't—that wasn't it at all." 
 
"If you weren't angry at Jenna, who were you angry at?"   
 
"Everything that she's having to go through—the whole situation—it isn't right that this is happening to her. She wouldn't even have to testify if Gary would just plead guilty."   
 
"That's not going to happen—and you know it,"  Dr. Pfaff said. "You're not in control here—you can't control everything that happens."   
 
Lee laughed shortly.  "You know—I can't think of the last time I was in control of what happens to my child."   
 
"No—that's probably what angers you the most—and you need to find some way of putting that behind you." Dr. Pfaff said. "Jenna gravitates toward you—and she takes her cues from you—if you show her that she can't do it herself it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy."   
 
"And what will she think if I just stand there and let her be attacked—if I don't protect her?"    
 
"Don't think of it that way—your presence is support enough—even without saying anything—if you're calm, she'll be calm too—and she’ll be able to get through this."    
 
Part of Lee knew Dr. Pfaff was right—but still— 
 
"And if I don't—if I can't?"  
 
"If you don't—she doesn't stand a prayer in that courtroom. Think about it, Lee—I'll see you and Jenna tomorrow."  

TBC