Part Nine: Guilt
4247 Maplewood Dr.
Monday, February 5, 2001
11:30 PM
"Oh Jenna--oh God, please no." Lee fell to his knees beside his battered
daughter. "Please, not this." Jenna lay on the ground, her wrists and ankles
still tied so tightly that the ropes bit into the skin. Carefully Lee untied the
ropes. Placing two fingers on the side of her neck he felt her pulse. It was
weak and erratic.
Gently he put his hand on the back of her head--gasping as it came away wet--Lee
stared uncomprehendingly at the blood on his hands--Jenna's blood. Voices
surrounded him but Lee didn't hear anyone--all he could see now was his
daughter.
Suddenly Jenna gave a soft groan, her eyes opening slightly.
"Munchkin?" Lee said. "I'm here--we found you--you're safe now."
Jenna's eyes were unfocused, the pupils uneven.
"Daddy?" her voice was slurred--from the way she was breathing Lee guessed her
ribs were broken. Someone had ripped her sweater, he realized--the blue material
stained with her blood--her favorite sweater.
"What happened?" Jenna asked. "I can't see--where are you? Can't--"
"Shhh," Lee took her hand in his, squeezing gently. Her skin felt clammy to the
touch. "I'm right here--just try not to move, okay?"
'This is all my fault,' Lee thought. 'I could've stopped him--I should've--'
"Okay--it's just I--I'm cold--can't--feel my legs." Tears spilled from Jenna's
dark eyes. "I'm so scared--"
Lee swallowed hard, trying to fight back his growing fear--his eyes stung,
vision blurring. "Everything will be fine--just stay still and don't
move--Jenna?" Her eyes started to close again.
"Stay with me," Lee told his daughter--his tone pleading. "Please, Jenna--for
me--just hang on."
"Tired," Jenna's voice was a whisper. "Sorry, daddy--I love you--tell mom--love
her too, 'kay?"
"Jenna!" Lee continued to shout his child's name, even as her eyes clouded over
and life left her body--he was dimly aware that people were shouting--trying to
pull him away from Jenna but he kept fighting--
"Lee!" Amanda's voice broke into his consciousness. "Stop--it's only a dream."
She was holding him, Lee realized--his Amanda, she was holding him and he was in
his bedroom. His breath came in labored gasps--damp hair plastered to his
forehead. The light was on--slowly Lee looked around at the familiar objects,
his breath gradually slowing.
'Only a dream,' Lee thought. Slowly he focused on his wife, who was sitting in
front of him, her eyes filled with concern.
"It was Jenna," the words tumbled from Lee's mouth. "He'd beaten her to
death--it was just like Marcie--oh God--I sat there and watched her--I watched
Jenna die and I couldn't stop it--it was all my fault--"
"Lee, that's not how it happened," Amanda told him. "Jenna's safe, alive--we
got there in time and we found her. It was just a bad dream."
"I know, Amanda--but it felt--it just felt so real." Lee drew in a deep,
shuddering breath, raking his still-trembling hands back through his damp hair.
"This isn't the first time you've had this dream, is it?" Amanda asked quietly.
"No, it's not the first time."
"How many times?"
"Three times now."
"Is it the same dream every time?"
"There are differences," Lee told her "--but the ending is always the
same--Jenna dies because of me."
"None of this is your fault--you know that."
Lee felt a sudden surge of anger. "How do I know that?" he said. "Huh? I mean,
what good am I?" he could hear his voice rising as he spoke--he didn't seem to
be able to control it. "I couldn't stop that bastard from taking her, from
hurting her--I can't even take her fear away now--she has these nightmares every
night, flashbacks--it's just too much--"
"Lee--"
"No, Amanda--let's face it--I'm useless." Lee clenched his fist, thumping his
leg. "I'm not doing Jenna any good at all."
"Dad?" Jenna's voice. Lee looked up to see his daughter standing in the
doorway. Her face was pale, eyes brimming with tears.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I just--the yelling woke me up--I'm sorry."
"Oh sweetheart, it's all right--come here." Amanda rose from the bed but Jenna
stepped back, shaking her head.
"I'm okay--I'm sorry--I'll just go back to bed."
"No,munchkin--I'm sorry--" Lee began, but at that point Jenna had already
disappeared down the hallway. He turned to Amanda.
"Do you think she heard--"
"I don't know how much she heard," Amanda said. "But I think you need to go and
talk to her--right now."
SMK SMK SMK SMK
Lee paused outside Jenna's doorway for a moment, just watching. His daughter sat
on her bed, knees pulled to her chest. She rocked back and forth, tears running
down her face.
'I hurt her--I didn't mean to, but I did.' Images from his dream were still
fresh in his mind--Jenna lying on the cold ground--the life seeping out of her--
'Everyone close to you gets hurt, Scarecrow--by now you should be used to it.'
Lee tried to push that voice and those thoughts from his mind--he couldn't think
about himself--Jenna was the one who needed help here. Taking a deep breath he
stepped into her bedroom.
"Hey." he sat beside her on the bed.
"Hey." Jenna sniffled, wiping at her runny nose with the back of her hand.
How to say this? A dozen things went through Lee's head--he finally just
decided to approach it head-on. "Munchkin--I'm so sorry--I didn't mean to wake
you up."
"No, I'm sorry--" Jenna said. "I didn't know that I was causing you and mom so
much trouble and screwing things up--I'm just a burden."
The pain in Jenna's eyes and in her voice felt like a dagger being driven
through his heart. "Jenna, look at me--please--just look at me." Slowly her
eyes turned to meet his own.
"None of this is your fault," he said. "You're not causing me any trouble,
okay? And you are not a burden. I don't want you to ever think that. Ever."
Jenna frowned. "Then what--"
"It's just--I love you--it hurts me to see you hurting. And I wish that I could
just remove your pain and fear instantly--and I can't. The dreams I've been
having--"
"You've had bad dreams too? That's why you were yelling my name?"
Lee nodded.
"What about?"
"About the kidnapping, just like you've had." Lee whispered a silent prayer of
thanks that she hadn't heard any of the details of his dreams--she had enough
worries of her own without being bothered with that. "I just keep thinking that
I should've known somehow--part of me wishes that I'd been able to stop this
from happening to you in the first place."
"Dad, you couldn't," Jenna said. "You weren't even there--what happened wasn't
your fault either. And you are helping me." She paused, wiping at her eyes. "I
wouldn't be able to go see Dr. Pfaff without you--you're going to keep coming,
right?"
"Of course." Dad pulled Jenna into a brief hug, kissing the top of her
forehead. You couldn't keep me away."
"Good." Jenna yawned. "Dad, can you check my window again--I think I might--"
"I will." Lee made sure that Jenna was situated comfortably--he tucked the
covers around her. The Scarecrow doll lay beside her on the pillow--he placed it
in her arms. By the time he'd checked to make sure the window was closed and
locked Jenna was all curled up and sound asleep, a light snore emanating from
her open mouth. Lee stood there for a few moments, watching as she slept.
SMK SMK SMK SMK
"How is she?" Amanda asked as he came back into the room, keeping her voice low.
"Asleep." Lee sat back down on the bed. "We had a little talk."
"Sounds good."
"Yeah--I told her that I'd had a bad dream--thank God she didn't hear any
details."
"What did she hear?"
"Enough to make her think that she was a burden--that she was causing us
trouble--I swear, I never meant to make Jenna think that, Amanda--I never wanted
to hurt her."
"Lee--I know that." Amanda held Lee's hand. "I've certainly had my fair share
of guilt over what happened. But this guilt you have--these nightmares--it could
hamper Jenna's recovery."
A long silence ensued before Lee spoke again.
"I looked at a copy of Marcie's autopsy report, you know. I had it delivered to
the Agency--not sure why. I guess I just wanted to know. Amanda, the things that
man did to her--to his own child--I can't stop thinking how easily that might
have been Jenna--now when I look at her these horrible images pop into my
mind--and that's not what I want to see."
Amanda squeezed his hand. "You need help with this."
Lee paused for a moment, looking down at their entwined fingers.
"Lee?"
"Yeah--" he said reluctantly. "You're right. Billy's suggested it--even
Pfaff--I'm just sorry it took me so long to admit it to myself. I'll still be
going to Jenna's sessions, of course--but I'll schedule a few of my own--hell,
I'll go to Pfaff forever if that's what it takes to help her."
"Well I don't think you'll have to go quite that long," Amanda said. "But it is
a good idea--I've even thought of going to him myself."
"You?" Lee looked at his wife in shock. "Why? You seem to be handling this
pretty well."
Amanda sighed. "Maybe--but this is all new territory for me--I mean, there were
some rough times with the boys, but never anything like this--I won't deny that
I'm a little lost--so if there's anything else I can do to help Jenna, I'd like
to know about it."
"So would I." Lee pulled Amanda against his chest, smoothing her hair. His
mind went back to that Happy Birthday picture on the fridge. Would he be able to
see that girl again? To see her laugh? To see her go through a single day
without fear?
Lee had to believe that he would--someday.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.