Part Twenty -Six: Survived

4247 Maplewood Dr.

Thursday, February 22, 2001

7:10 AM

"What's your name?"

His shadow loomed over her--his hand felt rough on her bare skin.

Jenna wanted to move, but her limbs didn't seem to want to obey--her head
throbbed and every breath felt hard. The world started to spin now, slowly at
first.

"Tell me."

Tell him what? Jenna had forgotten what he wanted. The spinning grew
faster--the colors whirling and melding together—--her stomach lurched and she
swallowed hard, fighting to keep everything down--

'I can't throw up--not in front of him…'

"Say your name."

Her name--that was it. "Jenna," she whispered--her mouth felt like it had
been scrubbed out with a piece of sandpaper.

"That's not your name, Marcie."

Without warning a sharp pain spread throughout her chest--the pressure--she
fought to breathe--fought to stay conscious as the world began to darken.

A hand patted her cheek gently.

"Jenna--come on, munchkin--it's time to wake up."

Jenna opened her eyes--someone was bending over her--panicked, she tried to
move away but the person grabbed her, holding her in place.

"Let me go," she begged. "Please--"

"Jenna!" her dad's voice. Slowly she focused on him--he was the one bending
over her--his hands were holding her--she was home, in the family room--she was
safe--

"I'm sorry," she said. "For a minute I thought it was--" tears pricked her
eyes.

"I'm sorry," she repeated.

Without saying another word Dad pulled her into a hug. Jenna closed her eyes,
letting herself relax--at least for a few moments. She breathed in and out
slowly--trying to stop the trembling--Dad rubbed her back, rocking her.

"Everything is okay." He told her. "It was just a bad dream."

A very bad dream, Jenna thought. The images and sounds were already starting
to fade from her memory--but the fear was--she shivered slightly and she felt
Dad's arms tighten.

"Want to talk about it?"

Jenna shook her head. "No--I'm fine now. I'm fine."

Dad pulled away. His eyes stared into hers, his expression unreadable. For a
moment Jenna thought he was going to say something--but he just kissed her
forehead. "Okay." He stood. "Why don't you go upstairs and get changed and
I'll make us both a big breakfast."

"You?" Jenna stared at him in amazement. "Dad, usually you just have coffee and
toast."

"Well, I can change." Jenna just kept looking at him. Dad sighed. "Okay--well
how about I make you a big breakfast? You need something before your
appointment."

The appointment--more memories--Jenna felt a knot beginning to form in her
chest--she clenched her hands and then unclenched them--staring down at the
little crescent marks on the inside of her palms.

"I'm still--I'm just not very hungry."

"Jenna, you have to eat something--you barely ate anything at all yesterday."

"But I don't feel like it--I just don't."

"What about waffles?" Dad said. "Special waffles."

"What are special waffles?"

"Waffles with--um--powdered sugar, chocolate syrup, strawberries, ice cream,
whipped cream with sprinkles on top--"

"Dad--Mom would say that's way too much sugar and calories."

"Well that's why it's a special treat--come on, munchkin--what do you say?"

Jenna paused. She really hadn't eaten much yesterday--her stomach was starting
to rumble slightly--

"Okay."

"Excellent." He smiled--despite everything Jenna found herself smiling back.
"Go get changed--I'll have them ready for you right away."

SMK SMK SMK SMK 

"Jenna, try to eat just a little bit more--just a few more bites."

Jenna wiped her mouth off with her napkin. "Dad--I ate over half--they're huge!"

"Yeah but you've got all those calories to make up from yesterday--come on."

"But I'm stuffed--I don't think I could eat any more even if I wanted to."

"Well how about just one more bite--" Dad took her fork and cut off a corner
piece. "See? Look at all that ice cream there."

"Okay," Jenna took the fork and speared the waffle--popping it into her mouth.
The sun shone in through the blue curtains--from outside she could hear the
faint sound of birdsong. The television wasn't on--Dad used to watch the news
every day but lately he'd been keeping the set off. Except for the ticking of
the nearby clock the house was silent and peaceful--Jenna put the fork down
beside her plate and took a sip of her orange juice. She scooted her chair
closer to the table and her ribs gave a sudden twinge--by now she should be used
to the pain, but it took her by surprise.

Gary's hand resting on her stomach--

Suddenly things didn't seem so peaceful anymore.

"I can't do it." The words came out of Jenna's mouth before she could stop them.
"I just can't do this--maybe I don't want to remember."

"Munchkin--"

"What if it's something really bad? What if he--" she couldn't finish her
sentence.

"Listen to me." Putting his coffee down on the table, Dad knelt beside her
chair. "Whatever it is, we'll get through it. It'll be fine."

"No," Jenna shook her head. "I can quit now--I don't have to do this
anymore--you can't make me--no one can make me do it." She knew she sounded
childish but she couldn't seem to stop.

"That's true, no one can make you do anything," Dad said. "But I promise that
whatever's bothering you--no matter what it is--it'll be ten times more
frightening if it stays inside your head. It's always better to get it out--so
we can deal with it. All right?"

At that moment the phone rang. Dad stood up and picked up the cordless.

"Stetson residence--hey, Amanda--how's Lillian? That's good news--tomorrow?
Yeah, believe me--we've certainly missed you." Dad looked over at Jenna. "We're
going in a minute--just finishing up breakfast now--okay, I'll put her on. I
love you too--here she is." He handed the phone to her.

"Mom?" Jenna said. "How are you? How's grandma?"

"We're fine, sweetheart. Lillian's fine too--she's getting out of the hospital
later today and we're coming home tomorrow."

"That's good--" Jenna clutched the phone tightly. "I miss you."

"I miss you too." There was a pause before Mom spoke again. "Jenna--I know how
scared you must be, sweetheart--I can't even imagine how you're feeling--but I
just wanted to let you know that I love you and I'm thinking of you--I know you
can do this today."

"Thanks Mom--I love you too--goodbye." Jenna couldn't say anymore past the lump
in her throat. Her hands shook as she handed the phone back to her dad.

"I'll do it," she whispered as she stood. "I'll just get my coat so we can go."

Dad took the phone from her--suddenly his arms enfolded her, holding her close.

"It's going to be all right," he told her. "Everything will be all right."
  IFF

8:35 AM

"7--6--5--4--3--2--1" Dr. Pfaff said. "How do you feel, Jenna?"

"Relaxed," Jenna said. She could feel Dad holding her hand.

"Are you cold?"

"No--not right now."

"That's good--now we're going to go back to where we left off yesterday--just
remember that these are only memories. They don't have the power to hurt you.
You're here in my office--your father's here and you're safe. Do you
understand?"

"Yes." Jenna nodded.

"Let's go back to where you were lying on the car seat--Gary had just cut your
belt. What do you remember next?"

"Gary was holding my sweater up--the air felt cold--I wanted him to put it
down--I wanted him to stop--told him--but I couldn't move. He called me
Marcie--I told him I was Jenna--he put his hand on my--my stomach."

"When you say stomach, what do you mean?"

"Here--" she placed her free hand on her sweater just below her ribcage.

"That's where his hand was?"

Jenna nodded again.

"Tell me what happened next."

"He said--that I needed to learn a lesson about my name--—he asked me my name--"

"What did you tell him?"

"Nothing--not at first--my head hurt--everything was spinning around fast--I was
scared that I was going to be sick and I didn't want to do that--not in front of
him. He asked me again--I told him I was Jenna--and then--he--"

"Then he what?"

"He pressed down hard--right on my chest--and I couldn't--my ribs already
hurt--there was so much pain--it hurt to breathe--everything got dark--I thought
I would pass out--"

"Tell me your name, Marcie--just tell me your name and this can be over.
Wouldn't you like the pain to stop?"


"He kept telling me to say it--" In her mind she could see Gary--kneeling over
her, his blue eyes glittering. He was strong--so much stronger than she was.
His hand pressed down even harder--she gasped--fighting for each breath--

"Stop--" she managed to gasp. "Please stop--I'll--I'm begging."

Gary's other hand cupped her bruised cheek roughly, forcing her gaze to meet
his. "Tell me your name, Marcie. Say it!"

"My name is Marcie Ann Johnston--please—that's my name--please don't hurt me
anymore--no more hurt--please--" The words tumbled out of her mouth--jumbled,
incoherent--tears damp on her face--


"I told him my name was Marcie--" Jenna said. "I just wanted the pain to stop--I
begged him--just to make it stop hurting."

"Jenna," Dr. Pfaff's voice broke into the memory. "Just breathe--focus--remember
that you're here--with me, with your father--you're in a safe place. No one's
going to hurt you."

A safe place. Dad's hand gripped hers tightly--someone had covered her with the
blanket--but when? She could feel the fleece soft against her cheek--it was
comforting.

"I'm okay." She told Dr. Pfaff.

"What happened after that?"

"I remember him tying my ankles--my wrists behind my back--he pulled the ropes
tight--and after that I don't--I don't know--I think that whatever he gave
me--it started to kick in--everything went black."

"It sounds like it was a frightening experience."

"It was--I just--"

"You just what?"

"I think I should've tried to fight more--to not give in."

"You were injured and drugged--you hadn't eaten in over two days--fighting would
probably have made things worse."

"Probably--I just--I hated feeling that way--helpless."

"No one likes feeling that way--but you survived this, didn't you?"

"No--I was lucky."

"There was some luck, but look at it this way--you kept yourself alive long
enough for help to get to you--and they were only able to do that because you
stole Gary's cell phone and let your dad know where you were. You survived--and
that's a rare thing. Think about that."

'I survived--'Jenna tried to think of it that way--but all she could think about
was--she could still feel how cold Gary's hand had been against her stomach--the
pain-- she shivered and felt Dad's hand squeeze her own even tighter.

"We're going to end the session here, Jenna," Dr. Pfaff "Now when I count to
three--"