Numb


4247 Maplewood Dr.

Wednesday, February 21, 2001

11:00 AM

'Talk to me,' Lee thought to himself. 'Come on, Jenna--please.'

As he came to a stop at the light turning onto Glebe he looked over at his
daughter. Jenna's head was down, her hands clasped tightly in her lap. She'd
been this way ever since the end of her session--quiet and
subdued--withdrawn--not like herself at all. It frightened him.

"Numbing herself is a form of self-protection, Lee," Dr. Pfaff had explained.
"She's probably feeling a little overwhelmed--she has a lot to process. Give it
some time."

Process. Lee remembered the first shooting he'd ever witnessed--he remembered
crouching on the tarmac beside Dorothy's body, her hand in his as she'd
died--the smell of roses pungent in the air. He had been twenty-four at the
time--a grown man and a trained agent. How the hell was a child supposed to
process something like that--any of it? Being hit--threatened--drugged--Lee
thought of Gary lifting Jenna's sweater, putting his hands on her--his fist
clenched--even if nothing else had happened the thought made him feel cold
inside.

"He liked to hurt me." That's what Jenna had said. Part of Lee still yearned
to find out how Gary Johnston enjoyed being hurt himself. Thoughts like that
wouldn't help Jenna, though--right now she needed him to help her heal.

"Munchkin?" Lee said. Slowly Jenna's head lifted. Dark eyes turned towards
him--so much like Amanda's eyes--and the pain he could see there felt like a
knife being twisted in his gut.

"You okay?" he asked her quietly.

For a moment Jenna was silent, staring straight ahead. The light turned green
and Lee made the turn.

"Fine," Jenna said finally. "I guess--maybe I'm just tired."

"I know--" Lee said. "We'll be home soon--you can rest--watch some TV--and I'll
make us a nice lunch. How does that sound?"

"What about school?"

"Dr. Pfaff gave you a note for today and tomorrow." Lee reminded her gently.
Billy had also given him a two-day family leave--no one was sure when Amanda and
Dotty would be back and someone needed to be there with Jenna.

"But I'm supposed to have a math test tomorrow."

"You can make that up later--believe me. It'll be all right." They turned onto
Maplewood.

"What if he gives me a zero?"

"Jenna--it's an excused absence--you're fine. He won't give you a zero."

They pulled into the driveway and came to a stop--he helped her unfasten the
seat belt. It had started to rain--Lee pulled Jenna close, sheltering her head
with his jacket as together they ran for the door. Lee hung his jacket on the
rack and slipped out of his now-muddy shoes, glancing over at Jenna. She had
removed her shoes, but now she just stood there, looking down at them. Her arms
were wrapped tightly around herself. Lee touched her shoulder and she gave a
little jump.

"Why don't you go and take a hot shower and get into your pajamas?" Lee told
her. "I'll make us some soup and grilled cheese sandwiches--some hot
chocolate--and we can watch a movie together--any movie you want."

"Mary Poppins?"

It would have to be that wouldn't it? Lee ran a hand through his hair. It would
probably be good for Jenna though--as far as he could remember there wasn't any
violence and nothing scary--just dancing penguins and bad cockney accents--

"Mary Poppins it is," he said finally. If it would make Jenna happy he'd go for
it.

"Thanks," Jenna said. For a moment she just stood there. Lee wanted to give her
a hug but she looked so closed-off--he wasn't sure how she'd react.

"Get into your pajamas, munchkin," he said. "I'll have lunch ready before you
know it." Jenna nodded to herself and turned away. Lee stood there, silently
watching as his daughter went up the stairs.

SMK SMK SMK SMK 

"Lillian's doing a little better," Amanda said. "But it's still going to be a
couple of days before she's completely out of the woods. In the meantime she and
Mother are driving each other crazy--their latest argument started over tapioca
pudding."

Lee grinned, balancing the phone against his shoulder as he took the cheese
slices, along with some ham, out of the fridge. "Sounds pretty typical. Give
Lillian my best--tell her that Jenna and I are thinking of her."

"I'll do that," Amanda said. "How is Jenna, by the way?"

Lee went to the foot of the stairs, looking up. No sign of Jenna, but he kept
his voice low just in case. "She's at home--we just finished her first hypnosis
session."

"I thought the session was in the afternoon. Why isn't she at school? Did
something happen?"

"You could say that--she had a nightmare last night."

"How bad?"

"Pretty bad." Lee walked back into the kitchen, opening the cabinet and grabbing
a can of soup. "She was so frightened, Amanda--shaking--crying in my arms--it
took me a couple of hours just to calm her down-- after that she wasn't in any
state to go to school."

"Believe me--I would've done the same thing," Amanda said. "How did the session
go?"

"Well according to Pfaff everything went pretty well." He pulled out a saucepan
and a skillet--pouring the soup into the saucepan and placing it to simmer on
the burner.

"You don't sound convinced."

"I'm sorry--I just—it's hard--watching her re-live those memories--the pain she
had to go through--I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for her."

"What did she remember?"

"She remembered Suzanne being shot--Gary shot his wife right in front of Jenna."

He heard Amanda's sharp intake of breath. "Oh my gosh--I thought she'd probably
seen it--but I guess I was hoping that she hadn't."

"Yeah, I was hoping the same thing--no child should have to see a thing like
that. Apparently Suzanne was trying to stop Gary from shooting Jenna--so he shot
her instead."

"Does she remember what happened after that?"

"Some--most of it's in bits and pieces--" Lee's hands were beginning to shake at
the recollection. He put some margarine to melt in the skillet and assembled the
sandwiches, putting ham in between two slices of cheese. "He'd hit her pretty
hard--she was going in and out --but she remembered him threatening her--telling
her that he was going to make her pay. Then--" for a moment he tensed as a sound
came from upstairs—but no other noises followed.

"Then what? Lee--please tell me."

"She woke up in the back seat of his car--he was bending over her. He forced her
to drink something--probably the chloral hydrate--after that--she remembers him
taking off her watch--lifting her sweater and cutting off her belt-- he said
that he didn't want anything to identify her." Lee put the sandwiches in the
skillet. "My guess is that he was planning on using Jenna's things to mislead us
about the location of her body."

"It--um--it sounds like that." Amanda's voice was trembling now--Lee could tell
she was on the verge of tears--he wished he could be there with her--holding her
through all this. "Was there anything else?"

"Gary--he called her Marcie--she told him that she was Jenna--she remembered him
putting his hands on her stomach--"

"Why? What was he going to do?"

Lee sighed. "I don't know--we had to end the session there--it was all too much
for her."

There was a long silence on the line--not even the sound of breathing--for one
minute he thought the line had been disconnected.

"Amanda?"

"I'm here." Amanda sounded resolved. "How is Jenna doing?"

"It's hard to say--after the session she was so quiet--barely said a word on the
way home--Dr. Pfaff said that this was natural--that she's probably overwhelmed
emotionally--she needs time to process--but I just don't know if that's
possible--she's only twelve years old."

"Where is she now?"

"Upstairs, getting into her pajamas. I made her some lunch and we're going to
watch Mary Poppins together."

"You?" Amanda teased. "Watch the "Dancing Penguins Movie" again?"

"Look, if it's what she wants to watch--if it helps her at all--I'm willing to
sit through it."

"It should help--give her a chance to rest and gather her strength. Hopefully
after all this is out in the open we'll be able to help her heal. Is the next
session tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow morning." Lee heard Jenna coming down the stairs.

"Give Jenna a hug for me, okay? Tell her I love her--I just wish I could be
there to hug her myself."

The sandwiches were done--Lee transferred them to a plate.

"I will--we'll talk more later, Amanda--I love you."

"Love you too, Lee."

SMK SMK SMK SMK

"Are you sure you don't want to eat any more?"

Jenna put the half-eaten sandwich back on the plate. "I'm really not that
hungry--I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize--I just think you might feel better if you try and
eat a little bit more."

No reply. Lee watched as Jenna pulled the blankets tightly around herself and
curled up onto her side, her eyes fixed on the television screen as Dick Van
Dyke danced with the cartoon penguins.

"That is actually some really good dancing there," Lee said.

"Yeah," Jenna said. "I used to think it was funny."

"Well--it can be funny--it is kind of neat how they put the animation in with
the people." They watched for a few moments in silence--as the dancing penguins
turned into a horse race.

Jenna turned her head, looking over at him.

"Dad--I know this isn't one of your favorite movies to watch.You don't have to
pretend to enjoy it."

"Munchkin--what I'm enjoying is spending time with you--it doesn't really matter
what we watch."

"It's just--I'm not--" Jenna drew in a shaky breath. "Not--really good company
right now."

"You're just fine. Are you sure you don't want to eat any more?"

"I'm sure."

Another song--how many songs did this movie have, anyhow? Lee looked over at
Jenna--wishing he could see just one smile on her face--even a little one.

"What word are they singing here again?" Lee asked.

"Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious."

"Super--what?"

"I already said it once."

"Can you spell it?"

A sigh. "Yes--but not out loud."

"Can you say it five times out loud--really fast?"

A small grin--there it was.

"Now you're just being silly," Jenna said.

Lee ruffled her hair. "Yeah, I'm being silly."

"I was so scared of him." Jenna's voice was so faint that Lee had strain to
hear. "All the time--I didn't know what was going to happen to me next."

Lee rubbed her shoulder gently, relieved when she didn't flinch or pull away. "I
know."

"That first night--after he--after he hit me--he wanted me to eat my dinner and
I said I wasn't hungry. He--kicked the tray--broke everything--the food
splattered all over the wall."

Lee looked over at Jenna's half-eaten lunch. "Jenna, I hope--I would never want
to remind you of--"

"No--" Jenna sounded shocked. "Dad--of course not."

Listen--don't overreact--that's what Dr. Pfaff had said. Jenna sat up and
reached for her cocoa, taking a few small sips before putting it down again.
Lee watched his daughter carefully--holding his breath--waiting to see if she'd
open up a little more.

"It's just when he--when Gary kicked the tray like that," she said. "I kept
thinking--if that had been me he kicked--I--"

Lee's throat tightened as he thought of his dreams--and of what had been done to
Marcie--thank God Jenna didn't know about any of that yet. "It wasn't you,
though."

"But he did want to kill me-- and when I saw him shoot Suzanne--I really thought
he'd shoot me next." Jenna paused and looked at him. "Suzanne was trying to
save me--wasn't she?"

"Yes, she was--she even told us where to find you."

"But she didn't--she didn't save me from everything." Jenna's eyes filled--her
voice starting to shake. "And all these memories, Dad--what he did--I try not to
feel them--not to be scared--but--"

Lee pulled her close, his arm around her, her head resting on his shoulder.

"Jenna listen--" he told her. "It's okay to feel fear--it's natural. All of your
feelings are normal--just like Dr. Pfaff said. I just don't want you to shut
yourself off--You know that you don't ever have to deal with this alone." A
lesson that he hadn't learned until later in life--Lee thought to himself.
Hopefully Jenna would learn it a lot sooner.

"But what's going to happen tomorrow--what will I remember? I'm not so sure I
even want to know."

"We'll deal with that tomorrow--I promise--whatever it is—it'll be all
right--we'll work it out together. All right?"

"All right," Jenna repeated--giving a yawn at the end of the sentence.. "If I
fall asleep you won't leave, will you?"

Lee kissed her forehead--her eyes were already starting to close. "I'm not going
anywhere."