Part  Twenty-Three : Things We Cannot Change

IFF

Monday, February 19, 2001

8:30 AM

"Well I was going to ask if you wanted any ice cream," Dr. Pfaff said. "But from
the look of you I almost think you need something stronger."

Lee rubbed his eyes. "Just point me to the coffee, all right?"

"Over there." Pfaff pointed. "Help yourself." Lee's hands shook slightly as he
poured the steaming brew into a styrofoam cup and added some half-and-half,
stirring the mixture with a plastic spoon.

"Did you get any sleep at all last night, Scarecrow?"

Lee sipped the coffee as he lowered himself into a nearby chair. "Here and
there--it wasn't a whole lot."

"And why was that, exactly? Nightmares?"

Lee nodded. "One nightmare."

"Different than the others or the same?"

"Different."

Dr. Pfaff sat across from him. "Are you always this talkative?"

"Save it, Doc," Lee snapped as he downed the coffee in one swallow. "I don't
need this right now."

"I can't help you if you don't talk to me, you know that." Pfaff took a bite of
his ice cream. "Let's start with your nightmare--what was it about?"

The nightmare. Lee drew in a deep breath. "Jenna was lying on the ground--and
he--Gary--he was hurting her, touching--and I--I couldn't--" his voice trailed
off--just talking about it was causing the images to re-form in his brain.

"And you couldn't what?"

"I couldn't stop him." Lee crushed the now-empty cup between his palms. "It was
like I was frozen--all I could do was watch--I couldn't move or even speak. I
was helpless."

"You didn't like feeling that way--that something was out of your control."

"No, of course I didn't. Who does?"

"Probably no one. But you're a man of action--you're used to shaping
events--being in control of what's going on."

Lee stared. "I don't know what you're trying to say."

"I'm saying that maybe you need to start accepting the fact that you weren't in
control of what happened to Jenna."

"What do you mean?"

"That this man Johnston was determined to get her--and if he hadn't taken Jenna
that day he would've chosen another time, another place--eventually he would've
succeeded."

"No--not if I'd stopped him first--not if I'd been paying attention."

"Lee, I've seen what kind of father you are--no one in their right minds could
ever accuse you of not paying attention. Quite the opposite."

Lee's voice was low. "But I wasn't there for her--not when it counted--when
Jenna really needed me to protect her, I didn't."

Dr. Pfaff shook his head. "Not through choice. A good agent accepts that there
are events which are simply out of their control--a parent needs to be the same
way."

"It's--" Lee shook his head. "Why do we keep rehashing this?"

"Probably because you're being so hard-headed about it--you think you failed her
and you won't stop torturing yourself with these thoughts. It's not doing you
any good--and it certainly isn't any help to Jenna."

"I know that--" Lee ran a hand through his hair. "But I can't seem to stop. I
look at her hurting and I just want to make it stop--I want to take all the hurt
away."

"What you want to do is turn back the clock," Pfaff said. "And you can't. You
can't change what happened to her and you need to accept that."

"What happened to her should never happen to any child."

"True, but we still don't know everything that happened." Dr. Pfaff's voice was
calm. "And until we do, we--"

"Oh, come on--" Lee's voice rose. "You know about the things that were found
yesterday--you know about the drugs in her system. For Christ's sake, Pfaff--the
man took a knife and cut her belt off! What else do you need, huh? A signed
confession?"

"Yes, I know about what was found," Dr. Pfaff said. "I just don't think that
it's as straightforward as you imagine it to be."

Lee drew in a deep trembling breath. "Right now--I can only think of one reason
why someone would cut off a girl's belt." He thought of Jenna, lying on the cold
ground while Gary stood over her--she had probably tried to fight him, tried to
struggle--but with the drugs and her injuries it would've been a losing battle--

"Listen to me--" Dr. Pfaff's voice broke into Lee's thoughts. "Jenna displays
signs of someone who has been badly frightened and physically assaulted--but
psychologically speaking I don't see clear signs of any other kind of assault."

"That's no guarantee."

"Maybe not--so let's talk about the physical examination when she was brought
into the emergency room."

Lee sighed. "They didn't find anything--I already know that--but I doubt they
were actually looking."

"The records show that she was unconscious at that point--and since she was
brought in as a kidnap victim, they did a full examination to be on the safe
side--which includes a pelvic exam."

"Pelvic?" Lee repeated. "No one told me--"

"It was on the consent forms you and Amanda signed when she was brought in."

"All I remember is a lot of paperwork." Lee ran a hand over his face. "We were
both so tired--and I was scared to death for Jenna--I just basically signed
whatever they held in front of me. I didn't know--" his voice shook. "Would she
have been--traumatized--you know--by the exam itself?"

"Jenna was unconscious throughout the entire exam--she doesn't even know that it
was done."

'I should've been there for that,' Lee thought. 'Even if she was unconscious--I
could've at least held her hand.' Out loud he said "The doctor didn't mention a
pelvic."

"Well, it didn't go beyond the basic examination--nothing was found--no
injuries, no trauma to the area that warranted anything further."

No trauma--part of Lee was relieved, but --"Something still might have
happened--things like that don't always leave clear signs."

"Possibly--but unlikely--we'll see what the hypnosis uncovers." Dr. Pfaff
paused. "Now what I'd like you to do, Lee, is to begin to focus on the
positive."

"What is the positive?"

"That you and Amanda found her safe and alive--that's a rare thing in these
cases. If it hadn't been for you, Jenna would've suffered the same fate as
Marcie." Pfaff paused. "When it counted, when she needed you--you were there.
You saved her life. Think about that."

'Good, but not quite good enough.'

"Yeah maybe--" Lee admitted. "It's just that--all these problems she has--"

"They'll heal with time and help--and Jenna is going to need all the help she
can get--with the hypnosis, the upcoming hearing, the trial--for her sake, you
need to find a way to push all this guilt and anger aside and focus on her. See
if you can do that."

4247 Maplewood Dr.

4:30 PM

"Hey there, Mrs. Stetson." Lee's arms wrapped around his wife--he whirled her
around to face him. "Did the seminar go well today?"

"Pretty well I think," Amanda said. "But it seems like the recruits get younger
every year--or maybe it's just that I'm getting old."

"You?" Lee raised his eyebrows. "Never. You're in the prime of
life--beautiful--"

Amanda grinned. "Flatterer."

"Oh, always." Lee bent his head down towards hers--their lips met in a brief,
passionate kiss.

"How did your session with Pfaff go?" Amanda asked.

Lee hesitated. "Where's Jenna?"

"She's out in the garden with Mother."

"Good--I don't want to risk her overhearing anything. Let's sit down, huh?" he
led Amanda over to the sofa.

"What is it? Lee--just tell me. You told Pfaff about the nightmare last
night--didn't you?"

"Yes, I told him." Lee took her hands as he spoke. "He said that I needed to
accept the fact that I wasn't in control of what happened to Jenna--that I
couldn't change what Gary Johnston had done."

"That's true--you know that."

"My head knows it--" Lee ran his thumbs along the back of Amanda's hands. "But
knowing and feeling are two different things. And then there's what--what might
have happened."

"You mean what you dreamed about."

"Not just that--I keep coming back to that belt. Why cut it off, Amanda? Why
would he do that unless he wanted to--" he took a breath before continuing "--to
gain access?"

Amanda was silent for a few moments. "Where does the watch fit in with that?"

"I don't know," Lee said. "I don't--I just keep picturing Jenna lying there,
hurt, probably drugged--unable to fight him off while he--" he broke off when he
saw the pain in Amanda's eyes. "These--images--they just come--when I look at
her--when I close my eyes at night--I don't seem to be able to make them stop."

"Lee, I understand--but you've got to stop torturing yourself this way." she
squeezed his hands. "None of this was your fault."

"That's what everyone says--I just wish I could believe it."

"What else did Pfaff say?"

"That he didn't think Jenna had been assaulted sexually--the psychological signs
didn't point to that kind of abuse."

"That's the same way I feel."

"What about when we rescued her? Remember how she reacted when the paramedic
tried to check her ribs?"

"Jenna has a fear of being physically vulnerable--that can just as easily be
traced back to the physical abuse--when Gary hit her. That doesn't necessarily
mean the other."

"No--maybe not--I hope not." Lee drew in yet another deep breath and blew it
out in a whoosh. "There's another thing. Pfaff told me that they had given Jenna
a pelvic exam back at the hospital."

"A pelvic exam?" Amanda repeated.

"Yeah--it was on one of the consent forms we signed that night."

"Oh my gosh," Amanda's voice shook slightly--her face had grown pale. "I
remember now--it slipped my mind--"

"Amanda--"

"Lee, how could I have forgotten a thing like that?"

"Look--they gave us so many forms that night--you had to be as tired as I was--I
got to where I was just signing every damn form they put in front of me." Amanda
didn't say anything. "You can't blame yourself either," Lee said.

"No--maybe--it's just--that must have been so frightening for her--I mean, I
know they try to be as gentle as possible with those types of things--but she's
never had that kind of exam before."

"Jenna was unconscious through the whole thing--she doesn't know anything about
the exam."

"I still would've liked to have been there--" Amanda said, voicing Lee's
sentiments from earlier. "What did they find?"

"Nothing--no inflammation or tearing--no bleeding or bruising to the area--no
signs that any activity had taken place," Lee said, quoting from the medical
records that Pfaff had shown him after the session. "After that they decided not
to proceed to anything more comprehensive--they didn't think it was necessary."

"Well that's good--it probably means that she wasn't harmed in that way."

"Yeah--maybe--it still doesn't rule out everything." Lee said. "She's so
frightened--there must be something more that happened--otherwise it just
doesn't track."

"Why doesn't it track?"

Lee stared at his wife. "What do you mean, why doesn't it track? Amanda, she was
held prisoner less than three days--and from what we definitely know so far, she
was hit, drugged, and tied up. That isn't nearly enough trauma to warrant the
kind of problems that Jenna's experienced."

"Lee--do you remember when Darrell Prescott grabbed Jamie in the gym and held
the gun on him? Jamie had nightmares for nearly a week after that."

"I remember," Lee said. "But I still don't see--"

"And what about when Zinoviev kidnapped me--thinking I was you? They shoved me
in a crate--I was absolutely terrified and they didn't even hurt me--but when
Zinoviev said they were going to kill me if the trade wasn't made--I was really
scared."

"Yeah--I held you, told you everything was all right--"

"That was my first experience with something like that," Amanda said. "And I was
an adult. You've been kidnapped before."

"Sure--quite a few times now."

"Do you remember how you felt--the very first time it happened? Were you
afraid?"

"Maybe--I don't really remember, though--I don't understand what you're trying
to say."

"What I'm saying is that Jenna is a child. She's smaller, weaker--she doesn't
have your training--your experience--none of the tools that an agent would have
in order to process and cope in that type of situation. Lee, the kidnapping
itself would've been frightening enough--but add to that the physical assaults
and the attempted murder--"

"Yeah--you're right." Lee hadn't been looking at it through Jenna's eyes
before--not really--but now that he did he could see-- "So you don't think that
anything else happened?"

"As I said before, I think something else happened--just not the kind of thing
that you're thinking of." Amanda said. "From what I've seen and heard of
Gary's--work--something would've turned up on the pelvic exam."

"He's a sick bastard," Lee said softly. And Jenna had been totally at his
mercy--even without anything else that was still a frightening thought. "But if
he didn't do that, Amanda--what did he do? What is she blocking out?"

"Well, we'll wait and see what the hypnosis uncovers. "

"And then?"

Again Amanda squeezed his hands. "The we'll all get through it--together."