Part Fifteen: Scars
IFF
Friday, February 9, 2001
8:30 AM
"How are you feeling today, Jenna?" Dr. Pfaff asked.
"All right." Jenna sat down in the chair--Dad didn't wait for Jenna to ask this
time--he simply sat in the chair beside her.
"I've got sherbet bars in case you're interested," Dr. Pfaff took a bite of his
chocolate bar. "I'm not crazy about them but your mother was telling me about
how you love sherbet." As usual, he sat in the chair facing her.
"I do love sherbet," Jenna said. "But not now--maybe later."
"Anytime," Dr. Pfaff told her. "That is a very cute baseball cap."
"Thanks," Jenna pulled the brim down a little farther. "Mom got it for me
yesterday at the store."
"Was there a reason for buying it?"
Jenna felt her cheeks growing warm. "No--I guess I just thought it looked
cool--I like the color lavender."
"It is a nice color," Dr. Pfaff agreed, taking another bite of his ice cream.
"But do you think maybe you could take it off?"
"Why do you want me to take it off?"
"Well, let's just say that I like to be able to see people when I'm talking to
them."
Jenna bit her lip. "I don't know--"
"Please?" Dr. Pfaff asked.
Slowly Jenna removed the hat and put it in her lap--pulling her bangs down over
her forehead as she did.
"That's much better now," Dr. Pfaff said. "You don't need to hide your face
under a brim."
"Well right now my face isn't exactly--" Jenna paused.
"Isn't exactly what?"
Jenna looked down at her lap. Her voice was very low. "It's not pretty. Maybe it
used to be pretty, but now--"
"Jenna, come on, we talked about this yesterday--" Dad's voice interrupted--Dr.
Pfaff held up his hand.
"Not now, Lee," he said. "Let her continue. Jenna?"
"Dad's right--we did talk about this yesterday," Jenna said. "He said the scar
would fade--he showed me his scars and how you could hardly see them now. And I
did believe him--but then--when I went shopping with Mom and Grandma
yesterday--this woman came up and she--"
"She what?" Dr. Pfaff asked.
"Asked me what happened to my head," Jenna said. "It wasn't that she asked,
exactly, but the way she did it--it was kind of rude. " As she spoke the memory
came flooding back:
"Oh my God!"
Jenna was busy going through the shelves of backpacks, trying to pick one. The
woman's booming voice nearly caused her heart to jump into her throat--Jenna's
mouth felt dry, her heart hammering wildly as she turned in the direction of
that voice.
"My God, what happened to your head?" The woman didn't even bother to say hello
or introduce herself. She just marched right up to Jenna, staring at her
forehead, her expression a mixture of pity and horror. "It must have been some
horrible accident."
'Horrible,' Jenna thought, squeezing her hands, which had begun to shake, along
with her legs--she tried to think of something to say.
"You really should have someone look at that, you know," the woman said.
"I--" that was as far as Jenna got before Grandma came marching up.
"Grandma told her off--said that it was none of her business," Jenna said.
"But, still it--I knew it was noticeable--I just didn't expect someone to notice
it that much--I know that doesn't make sense."
"That was just one very rude woman," Dr. Pfaff said. "You don't really think
that everyone's going to react that way, do you?"
"No--probably not," Jenna admitted. "But after that I could feel people--it
sounds weird, but I could feel them staring at me."
Dr. Pfaff was silent for a moment, just looking at her. "Couldn't you have
imagined that?"
"Maybe." But Jenna recalled the way her face had burned after that, as she
walked through the store--looking down at the floor so she wouldn't have to meet
anyone's gaze. That was when she'd seen it--perched on a rack in the accessories
section.
"Please, Mom--can I get it? I really love this hat..."
Dr. Pfaff was speaking again--Jenna struggled to focus on the words. "Also, what
your father said is right--all of these things, the scars, the bruises--they'll
all fade with time."
"But how much time?" Jenna's voice trembled. "What happens in the meantime? How
about when I go back to school on Monday? People will look at me and they'll
know--"
"What are they going to know?" Dr. Pfaff asked.
"They'll know what happened--" she wiped at her eyes with the back of one hand--
"--and that I'm different--I'm not the same person I used to be."
"Munchkin--" Dad tried to take her hand in his, but Jenna pulled away.
"It's true," she said. "I don't even look the same--my hair's short, this
scar--and I sure don't feel the same--everything that used to feel normal--now
it all feels different, scary--I can't even relax because if I do, I might--"
"You might what?" Dr. Pfaff spoke quietly. "What do you think will happen if
you relax?"
What would happen? Her thoughts, which had been so clear a moment ago, were all
jumbled up now. "I--I'm just--I don't know," Jenna said finally. "But it would
be something bad."
"Jenna," Dr. Pfaff said. "Everything you're dealing with--your feelings, your
fears, the nightmares, all of this--they're all very normal responses to what
you experienced. Remember how I told you that before--your feelings are
perfectly normal."
Jenna nodded, and Dr. Pfaff continued.
"So once we start to face these fears, talk about them the way that we've been
doing--about what you went through--we can work on managing them."
Dad reached for Jenna's hand again--this time Jenna let him.
"What happens after that--after I manage the fears?" she asked.
"You'll start to feel normal again. It might not happen overnight and it won't
be easy, but eventually all your injuries will heal and fade--the physical ones
and the ones up here as well." Dr. Pfaff tapped his forehead. "What I need you
to do now is trust me and work with me on this--can you do that?"
Jenna hesitated--thinking back to what her Mom said, what Francine had told
her--and her dad. She looked over at her dad, who was still holding her hand--he
must have seen the questions in her face because he nodded, giving her hand a
gentle squeeze.
"He's right, munchkin--you can trust him."
Jenna turned back to Dr. Pfaff. "I think I can do that."
SMK SMK SMK SMK
4247 Maplewood Dr.
9:00 PM
"Jenna?"
Her mother's voice startled her--Jenna dropped the backpack she'd been holding
and whirled around to see her standing in the doorway.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart," Mom said. "I didn't mean to scare you."
"It's okay." Jenna picked up the backpack once more, embarrassed by the way her
hands were suddenly shaking. This was her Mom--she shouldn't be so nervous in
her own house, but still--"I'm sorry too--I don't know why I jumped like
that--it's just--"
Without a word Mom walked over to Jenna, enveloping her in a gentle hug. Mom
wore a fleece robe--her arms felt warm and safe, and for a few seconds Jenna let
her eyes close--her body relaxing slightly.
"You have nothing to apologize for." As she spoke Mom smoothed Jenna's hair
with one hand. "Nothing at all."
"I know, Mom--I guess I just feel a little silly."
"Why?"
"Being all jumpy--when there's really nothing to be jumpy about."
"Come here." With one arm still wrapped around her Mom led her over to the edge
of the bed--they sat down. Mom said nothing for a few moments, her dark eyes
staring into Jenna's own.
"Sweetheart, you've been through a very frightening situation--it would've been
scary for an adult--but for a child--" Mom paused, wrapping both of Jenna's
hands in hers. "I understand you being nervous and scared--in fact, I'd be more
worried if you weren't."
"Yeah, Dr. Pfaff says the same thing--that the way I feel is perfectly normal."
Jenna sighed. "I just wish I felt more normal."
"Give it time," Mom said. "And talking about it will help--the main thing to
remember, Jenna--is that you're not ever going to be in this all alone. There's
me and your father, your grandmother, Phillip and Jamie, Billy and
Francine--we're all here for you--just don't forget that."
Jenna smiled. "I won't forget."
Mom gave her another hug. "Good. Were you getting your new supplies all ready
for Monday?"
"Trying to." Jenna looked at the backpack on the floor. "It's weird--you know--I
really haven't been away from school all that long but it feels like a long
time--it feels like forever."
"I know, sweetheart."
"I can't even remember what we were studying," Jenna said. "I'll be so far
behind--but that's not even the worst part."
"What's the worst part?"
"The way everyone will be staring--at me--at this--" Jenna touched her
forehead. "I know it'll fade eventually, but right now it's still here."
"I think your friends will understand what happened."
"Maybe." Jenna fell quiet, staring down at her bedspread. "Dad showed me a
couple of his scars--I could barely see them."
"Well that's how yours will be before you know it--you see this?" Mom moved her
robe off one shoulder and Jenna could see it--the small patch of raised skin on
the upper part of Mom's chest.
"I've seen that before--I didn't want to be nosy, though--that's a scar?"
Mom just nodded.
"How did it happen?"
Mom squeezed Jenna's hands. "Sweetheart, I don't want you to get upset--it was a
long time ago and I'm perfectly fine now--but--I was shot."
Shot--for a moment Jenna had a vivid flash--someone--a woman?--falling to the
ground, red blossoming over her sweater like some kind of horrible flower--but
just as quickly the memory was gone.
"Jenna?" Mom asked. "What's the matter?"
"Nothing, it's nothing, I just--" Jenna shook her head, trying to process the
information. "How did you get shot--I mean, who shot you?"
"It was a stray bullet--more of a question of being in the wrong place at the
wrong time."
"But the person who did it--did they--"
"Yes, they caught him."
"I'm glad--it must've hurt, though."
"Yes it did--it hurt a lot," Mom said. "But you know--over time it got
better--and each day hurt a little less until one day it didn't hurt at all."
A day when it didn't hurt at all. "I hope I get a day like that soon," Jenna
said fervently.
"Sweetheart, you will. You'll get that day very soon--I promise."
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.