Part Thirteen: Blame
IFF
Thursday, February 8, 2001
8:20 AM
"Good morning, Francine," Lee said.
She looked up from the stack of paperwork on her desk. "I'm surprised to see you
here, Scarecrow--I know you've been in a few times, but you're not due back
officially until Monday. Does Jenna have another session today?"
"Ahh--no," Lee said. "I'm just here to take care of some other business."
Francine nodded. "Understood. Thank you for the flowers, by the way--they were
lovely." With that, she turned her attentions back towards the paperwork.
Lee cleared his throat.
Again, Francine looked up at him. "Was there something else you wanted?"
"Well, Jenna was so happy after spending that day with you--she slept all
through the night--I think she really had a good time. So I guess what I really
wanted to say--what Amanda and I both wanted to say--was thank you."
"There's really no need to thank me, Lee." Francine said, but she was smiling.
"Give Jenna my best."
SMK SMK SMK SMK
"How are you this morning, Scarecrow?"
"Fine, Doc--and before you ask, I don't want the couch and I don't want any ice
cream."
"Noted." Dr. Pfaff knelt beside the fridge. "But I'm going to help myself is
you don't mind." He pulled out a chocolate coated bar.
"Be my guest--it is your office, after all."
Dr. Pfaff took the wrapper off the bar, discarded it, and took a bite. "How was
Jenna last night?"
"She had one nightmare--it took us about an hour to calm her down enough to get
her back to sleep."
"Did she tell you what the nightmare was about?"
Lee shook his head. "Only that it was frightening--she wasn't completely awake
so it was hard to get anything coherent out of her."
"I see," Dr. Pfaff took another bite. "Does that bother you?"
"Yes, of course it does," Lee snapped.
"Because you still think she's hiding something."
"Maybe--I--" Lee sank down into a nearby chair, running both hands through his
hair. "I don't know, that's the problem. But she's still scared to death of that
bastard--that much I do know."
"It makes sense that she would be, don't you think? Even if he hadn't done
anything beyond what we already know."
"Yeah--I just want to know for sure," Lee said. "I read a copy of the autopsy
report, you know--the one on Gary's daughter Marcie--I had it sent to me here at
the Agency."
"Why?"
"I guess--I just wanted to know what he had done to her--what she'd gone through
before she died."
"According to all the news reports she was beaten to death."
"Massive cerebral hemorrhaging caused by numerous skull fractures--blunt force
trauma." Lee repeated the words mechanically, feeling he stomach churn as he
recalled the contents of that report. "A man like that--who would hurt a child
in that way--his own child--is capable of doing anything. Is it wrong for me to
want to know what exactly he did to my daughter?"
Dr. Pfaff shook his head. "No, I wouldn't say it's wrong, Lee--but I don't
understand. Why would you want to know the details of Marcie's death?"
"I just needed to know what--what might have happened to Jenna if I--"
"If you what?"
Kneeling on the cold ground beside his daughter's broken body, holding her small
hand tightly, trying to give her some comfort, some warmth--
"Stay with me..please, Jenna--for me--just hang on--" pleading, desperate--even
as he watched the life ebbing from her body--her dark eyes, so much like
Amanda's clouding over--
Lee shut his eyes briefly, trying to purge the dream memories from his mind.
"Nothing," he said aloud. "I--look, it doesn't matter why. I just wanted to
know."
"What does Amanda say?"
"That my problems could hamper Jenna's recovery--" Lee said,"and she
worries--like I do--that Jenna's keeping things inside--and that it's not
healthy to do that."
"It isn't--it never is," Dr. Pfaff's eyes regarded Lee from behind his
glasses--making him feel like a specimen under a microscope. "Let's talk about
you now, Lee--about your nightmares."
"Yeah--well, like I said, they're related to the kidnapping."
"Which aspect of the kidnapping?"
"The--I guess you'd call it the rescue part--only in the nightmares the rescue
doesn't happen, because I'm always--"
"You're always what?"
"I'm--" Lee thought of a half-dozen ways that he could say this--finally just
deciding to come right out with it.
"I'm always too late," he told Dr. Pfaff. "And Jenna's either already dead or
she-" he swallowed hard. "She dies in front of me, in my arms."
"How does that make you feel?"
Lee stared at Pfaff. "What do you mean, how does that make me feel? It makes me
feel horrible--and then my nightmare wakes Jenna up and causes her even more
pain--I feel awful."
"That might be part of it," Dr. Pfaff said. "But that's not all, is it?"
"Doc, of course that's all. I don't know what you're talking about."
"I think maybe you do."
Coming here had been a mistake, Lee thought--shrinks didn't help--they never had
before--all they did was mess with your head.
"Where is Amanda in your dreams? Is she there?" Dr. Pfaff asked.
Lee shook his head again, not sure what Pfaff was getting at. "No, she's not
there--it's just me."
"Why is it just you? Jenna's her child too--wouldn't she be there with you?"
"I don't know--probably, I guess she would--it's just--"
"So why isn't she there in your dream?"
"Because it wasn't Amanda's fault--" the words burst out of Lee--he wasn't even
sure where they were coming from. "She had nothing to do with what happened to
Jenna."
A long silence ensued before Dr. Pfaff spoke again.
"What makes you think that you had anything to do with it?"
"Because." Lee looked away from the doctor, staring down at the carpet.
"If I remember correctly, you weren't even home at the time. Amanda was."
"But Amanda couldn't have known, don't you see?" Lee looked back up at Pfaff,
his tone vehement. "There's no possible way she could've guessed that someone
was coming to take Jenna."
"Yes, I see that," Pfaff said. "What I still don't see is how it becomes your
fault."
"I'm an agent," Lee said. "I've been trained to notice things, protect people--I
figure that Johnston must have been stalking Jenna for a couple of weeks if not
more. I don't know how--I don't understand how I missed what was happening right
under my nose. If I had known--if I'd seen the signs, then maybe I could've
stopped her from being taken, from being hurt--I should've been able to stop
this." He drew in a deep breath and let it out in a whoosh. "What good am I if
can't even protect my own child?"
"Amanda's an agent too--a very good agent--she missed this just like you. But
it's not her fault any more than it's yours."
"Father's are supposed to protect their kids--that's all I ever wanted to
do--keep her safe."
"Lee, that's all any parent wants to do," Dr. Pfaff told him. "But short of
putting your child in a bubble there's no possible way you can protect them from
everything."
"Oh, come on." Lee's voice rose. "This is a little more serious than falling and
scraping her knee or something. What happened to Jenna could leave her with
lifelong scars--she might have problems getting close to people, trusting
anyone--"
"Are we talking about her or you now? Jenna went through a brief
trauma--obviously she's having problems--but she's not like you--and her
reactions are going to be very different. Don't put your issues off on her."
"You said that before." Lee looked up at Pfaff. "Is that what I'm doing?"
"Not consciously, no."
"But this guilt I'm feeling--and the rest--it could end up hurting Jenna,
couldn't it?" As he spoke Lee remembered Jenna rocking back and forth on her
bed, tears rolling down her face.
'Who am I kidding? I've hurt her already."
"Guilt is a corrosive emotion, I told you that before as well," Dr. Pfaff said.
"If Jenna were to pick up on what you're feeling it might even cause her to feel
responsible for your pain--she may even start to blame herself for what
happened."
"I don't want to do that," Lee said. "And I don't want to look at her and see
these images from my dream--things that could've happened if--" he paused. "Can
we put an end to this?"
Dr. Pfaff hesitated. "It might take a few sessions--"
"I'm willing to do whatever it takes." Lee couldn't quite believe that he was
actually saying this, but the thought of this hurting Jenna--of Jenna possibly
blaming herself, was almost too much to stand. "Anything that can help her."
"We'll see," Dr. Pfaff said. "Let's just take this one step at a time."
Author's Chapter Notes:
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.