Walking In the Dark
Lee awoke to the cries of a baby. When he convinced his eyes to open fully, he saw that Amanda had gone to feed their infant. He tried to roll over and go back to sleep, but couldn’t. So he got up and looked out of the window of their bedroom on 4247 Maplewood. It was a clear cold morning. The LCD on his nightstand read two o’clock.
It was dark out completely, no moon, no clouds in the sky. Occasional street lamps lighted the street. Seemed to Lee that every other one was burnt out. The home owners’ association would get one fixed and another two or three burned out. There was peace and calm outside, and something about that was calling to Lee.
The solitude outside was too much to resist to him at the moment, even if he was a little tired. He hadn’t been able to fall asleep again anyway. Something was bugging him. If Michael kept crying, he’d never figure out what it was, and he couldn’t well go yelling at Amanda, though lately, he wanted to scream at somebody, something.
“I have to go out there,” Lee mumbled to himself
Lee had gone to bed in a T-shirt and sweatpants. Groaning tiredly, he put on a pair of socks and sneakers. He ambled downstairs to get his coat, making sure he had his keys as he locked the door behind him.
Amanda probably hadn’t heard him go out. The baby slept in their room, but Amanda and he were taking turns with feedings…Lee would do it with a bottle of breast milk Amanda had pumped. The baby woke them for whatever it was he needed, and they usually took him down to the den. The boys’ room and Dotty’s were upstairs. Taking the baby to the den helped the others to sleep through the noise. He’d checked; Amanda had closed the door to the den.
Lee stole a peek at his Corvette. Before, it was a refuge for his restless soul. But before, he was driving to what was now his home. So, he didn’t have any desire to be in his beautiful sports car.
Lee started walking down the block. He’d stared at the concrete for about three blocks before he began contemplating the feeling that was keeping him awake nights. This early morning walk was a first, but waking near two and then tossing and turning until he had to go to work was now common.
In the cold silence, Lee could think about what was bothering him. He more or less knew what it was. He felt out of place.
He didn’t quite fit in with Phillip or Jamie. Half the time they ignored him. Sometimes they asked him questions, which he then flustered on. He tried, but he didn’t think he could handle those two. He’d talked to Amanda, for advice, but she only knew how to be a mother, not a father.
Lee had no father to go to, and he wasn’t about to give his uncle a call. That was not the sort of upbringing any child needed. And he wasn’t going to call Joe. The boys could, maybe, if he was not helping them enough.
Lee idly kicked a pebble that was in his way. He was coming up on a Shell gas station ahead. The lights there were bright, and their drivers were refueling a pair of cars.
Lee turned right to keep out of the lights. He didn’t want to be exposed to the world at the moment. He just wanted to be alone with his thoughts.
Dotty was around and was about the only person Lee could feel comfortable with. It was like having a mother again. He called her “Mom,” and she smiled at him every time for it. He had an ally in Dotty.
Amanda and he were getting along okay. Except whenever Michael interrupted them. Which was getting less frequent than before, but still enough that Lee couldn’t really hold a discussion with her until it was late and they were both tired. This easily made either party argumentative.
The fact that her doctors hadn’t cleared Amanda as far as intimate relations went was frustrating, but probably just as well. Even if they did get into heavy petting, Michael always picked the worst moment to wake up and cry. Or to just start crying for no reason, as babies were prone to doing. The two weren’t emotionally ready for lovemaking of any kind.
Not that Amanda and he didn’t express their love still. They did. An appreciative hug for Lee for doing something she thought was “extra”, but that he thought was just logical. Making dinner and cleaning up with only nominal help from the two older boys was one of them. But Lee had reasoned a long time ago that if he did those things, he was bonding a little with Phillip and Jamie, and Amanda had to deal with less stress.
Blaming an innocent baby, his child, for his irritability was nonsense. In fact, of his five weeks of life, Lee had been home for the first four. He had worked all of the last week.
He thought working would make him feel freer, but it didn’t. He sort of missed his time with his newborn son. He thought not having Amanda’s help would annoy him, but it didn’t, either. When he called home, she was there, and she cheered him up. He did run a few simple questions by her, but that was it. Amanda was a full time mother. She needed to be home.
But this week there had been arguments over everything from the temperature on the thermostat to who would do the grocery shopping.
Things Lee really didn’t have an opinion on. He just wanted everyone to be happy, and nothing he did seemed to help. He shivered involuntarily as the wind came up in time to his unpleasant memory of the arguments.
They had worked out the nightly feeding schedule a few weeks ago, when Lee was getting tired of waking up with Michael. Amanda had really railed at him on that one. Now they were on a schedule of three nights for him and then three nights for Amanda. Two or three days a week he’d go in to work late, at eleven, so he could catch up on the sleep he’d missed.
Lee was a loner to start with. Had been for some time before he even met Amanda. When he first met Amanda, he’d never even imagined marrying her. Now he was tied down at home with his wife, two teenaged sons, and an infant. Mentally, he added Dotty on top like the icing on a cake.
Lee had been the victim of many smirking grins from Billy and Francine and anyone else in the bullpen that saw him and considered him an open target. Lee couldn’t even talk to anyone about his home life without getting teased.
They’d ask him how Michael was and whatever Lee’s answer-big, crying, likes his mother more-the invariable answer was that the baby was a chip off the old block. No comfort there.
“Yeah, chip off the old block only he’s thirty odd years too young and he can’t talk or walk. I can’t wait for that, then I’ll be in worse trouble,” Lee told himself as he walked along.
It’s the accumulation of everything; with Dotty, the boys, and now Michael, everything is more stressful. The grocery bill’s higher, there’s more laundry. No damn wonder Amanda and I have argued so much, Lee pointed out to himself.
He’d been “good” for the last two days. The last argument was over diaper changing. Lee’d made up for that one as much as he could since, and apparently, he hadn’t screwed anything up elsewhere. So for the moment he and Amanda were on good terms.
I was okay with the boys before…why not now? I’ve been working and seeing them. This is getting tricky. One day at a time, Stetson, Lee advised himself as he walked along, Everything will work out. Give it more time.
Lee briefly consulted his watch. Fifteen minutes had passed since he left the house. It was getting later, but not warmer. Another fifteen minutes to walk home and he should be able to get some shuteye.
I hope I don’t screw this up. I am not used to being “settled.” Tied down. Billy gets the biggest laugh out of me being married, and a father of my own child to boot, Lee thought as he walked along for several minutes in silence, then continued his thoughtful diatribe, Well, I’ll show him. I’ll show every agent in the bullpen. And this baby thing…I can do this.
Go home Lee, he told himself, Love your family. Be a husband and father and don’t analyze every move. Just know that, for the rest of your life, you’re…
“Home,” Lee said as he opened the door. All was quiet. The door to the den was open, but it was dark and empty. Lee hung up his coat and kicked off his sneakers.
He couldn’t believe that the doubts he was having were about being married. He couldn’t ask for a better mate than what he had in Amanda. Dotty adored him, and the boys and he were doing okay. He was glad he’d sorted out the problem, and that he knew he had what it took to live the life he’d chosen for himself.
The warmth from the house heated him quickly. It was like a hug, almost. As if the house wanted him there, too. The cold that had been biting his cheeks abated and he felt suddenly tired.
Lee went up to the bedroom. The door was half opened. He peeked into the crib to see Michael sleeping contentedly, still covered in Amanda’s trademark style. Lee checked the clock; it read 2:42. Plenty of time for sleeping.
Amanda rolled over to him when he slipped under the blankets, “You’re cold!”
Lee laughed at her loud whisper, “I was out walking.”
Amanda came awake a little more, “You were? Thought you were in the bathroom or something. Why did you go out?”
“I needed to have a talk with me, I guess. It’s silly, but I wasn’t sure I could pull off being the settled husband type,” Lee admitted, grinning sheepishly in the dark
“Oh Lee,” Amanda said groggily, “You don’t have to worry about that.”
“You’re right. I don’t. Go to sleep, huh?” Lee said, kissing her nose.
“’Kay,” Amanda agreed, rolling over onto her side. Lee was warming up but still a little too cold to cuddle with.
Five hours later, Lee was being shoved awake rather roughly.
“What, what is it?” he sat up, rubbing his eyes with his right hand.
“Don’t you have to get ready for work?” Amanda asked him.
“’Manda, it’s Saturday,” Lee griped. He looked up and saw Amanda had Michael cradled in her left arm.
“Oh, Lee, I’m sorry,” Amanda said at the realization, “I just thought you were going to be late, and you’d been out early this morning, and maybe forgot, and we wouldn’t want Billy upset with you.”
“No, we wouldn’t. Is there any coffee on downstairs? Think I’ll get up anyway,” Lee inquired, putting on his robe, “Here, I’ll take him too.”
“Lee, are you okay, really?” Amanda asked, handing over the baby. Lee normally slept through until nine on a Saturday morning, howling baby or not. He was never up in time for morning cartoons. He would volunteer for baby duty, but first thing in the morning? Hadn’t happened yet unless it was his turn.
“Amanda,” Lee said, giving her his puppy dog eyes. She’d been up very early with Michael and might want to rest up. At least he’d gotten five straight hours of sleep. From the looks of it, Michael had been up a couple of hours, and he’d slept through the crying.
“Yes, Lee?”
“I love you. Now, can I go and get some coffee? Michael and I’ll hang out while you do…whatever it is you might like to do,” Lee offered a second time.
“Okay,” Amanda agreed. She could hear a bubble bath calling her. Lee kissed her softly and left the bedroom, leaving Amanda in stunned silence, standing next to their bed.
Downstairs, half an hour later, Lee’s coffee was on a coaster, mostly finished. Michael looked into his father’s eyes. Lee had been talking to him in between sips of coffee. Muttering actually, as Phillip and Jamie were eating their cereal at the coffee table and watching cartoons before they got ready for their ball game later.
“…So don’t worry. I’m sticking around,” Lee said during the pause between cartoon and commercial. The boys obviously heard him.
“Who said you were going anywhere?” Phillip asked observantly.
Lee blushed a little, “Ah, no one. And I’m not.”
“I think he’s losing it,” Jamie said to Phillip with a sly grin.
“I was talking to Michael,” Lee said. Silly as it sounded, it was his only defense.
“Ummm, sure Lee,” Phillip said.
“Quit teasing me, you guys. Or I’m telling your mother,” Lee threatened lightly.
“Go ahead. Two against one, she’ll believe us,” Jamie shrugged. The cartoon cut in, luckily, before anything else could be said. Lee sat back, shifting Michael to his shoulder.
“Believe you about what?” Amanda asked. Now refreshed from her bubble bath and dressed in sweats, she joined Lee on the couch, “I think he’s sleeping on you.”
Jamie looked at Lee and back to Amanda, “We were just picking on Lee.”
“Oh,” Amanda said, “Phillip, would you watch Michael? I need to talk to Lee in the den.”
Phillip nodded his head and put Michael in the bouncer they kept nearby on the floor. The baby settled back to sleep without too much noise, and the boys continued watching cartoons.
Lee refilled his coffee and joined his wife in the den. He wasn’t sure what she wanted with him, but he was starting to not like these den meetings. Yawning, he sat on the loveseat, opposite Amanda.
“Lee, was I dreaming this morning or did you really go out for a walk?” Amanda asked.
Lee groaned. She couldn’t be pissed about that, “Yes, I went out.”
“Care to discuss what made you go?” Amanda asked.
“A lot of things. Michael was crying at the time and I couldn’t think. I needed to go,” Lee reasoned, “Is there something wrong with that?”
“No,” Amanda said, realizing that Lee was walking on eggshells with her, “I just want to help, help you feel better.”
“I am better,” Lee promised with a puppy dog look and a smile, “I’m just trying not to do anything wrong. It’s hard for me to do this Dad thing.”
“Oh Lee, you’re doing fine,” Amanda tried to reassure him.
“Yeah? Then why have we argued so much? Especially this last week? We started out looking forward to Michael and now we argue over everything. I don’t want our lives to be arguments.”
“It’s not all your fault, Lee,” Amanda said regretfully, “Its mine too. But I agree with you, let’s not argue anymore.
“What I really called you in here for was to thank you for taking Michael for me this morning. I really enjoyed my bath.”
“I was glad to do it. I figured you wouldn’t be out for hours,” Lee admitted.
“Truthfully, I never even get that much time to myself since you went back to work, “ Amanda admitted, “I really did miss you this last week. I miss work too. But we’re still adjusting.”
“Yes, we really are,” Lee agreed.
“I promise to keep that in mind if you will,” Amanda offered.
“Gladly,” Lee leaned over to kiss Amanda. As the kiss grew more passionate, Michael started crying. Lee pulled back from the kiss, about to offer to see to their son.
“No, let the boys handle him. He’s their brother; they need to learn how to take care of him too. And I need to trust them,” Amanda said, reinitiating the kiss. Lee groaned and pulled her onto him, managing a decent position for them to sit and lay together. They heard Michael quiet down.
“Lee, we shouldn’t-“ Amanda started to warn him.
“Yes, we should, or I really am going to go crazy. It’s not against the rules for us to kiss…and touch,” Lee insisted in a husky low voice. He realized he was right as he felt his excitement growing in a place lower down on his body.
“Well, what if it won’t go down?” Amanda asked, teasing.
“We have options,” Lee shrugged.
Two hours later, and after a short nap, Lee and Amanda found themselves still undisturbed. Both stood, and Amanda opened the door of the den.
She found Phillip walking around the room with Michael facing front and bouncing happily along. Jamie was on the couch, channel surfing.
“You guys sure talked long,” Phillip whined, handing Michael over to Amanda.
“We needed it. Was he that bad?” Amanda asked.
“No,” Jamie and Phillip agreed in unison.
“You took turns, huh?” Lee asked.
Jamie shrugged, “Easier that way.”
“I guess I better grab a shower and get dressed if I’m going to get you guys to your game, which starts in a couple of hours,” Lee said, looking at his watch.
“Oh shoot!” came from the older brothers as they realized they weren’t sure where all their gear was at the moment. They headed for the stairs, and their room.
“Maybe we can take a walk later,” Lee offered to Amanda.
“I think we should,” Amanda agreed. Lee hugged her as she held Michael and went up for his shower. Amanda admired his rear end as he went. Even in a robe, the man was sexy.
The End
Story Notes:
Disclaimer: Someone else owns the characters, not me. I put them back the way I found ‘em. Any similarities to any person(s) or circumstance(s), real or fictitious, are completely coincidental.