Dreams and Flashbacks
Chapter 4
By Ermintrude
See part 1 for disclaimers
The next day Lee ran into Dr. Pfaff in the hallway. He figured it was a good opportunity to talk to the shrink without getting cornered in his office.
“Hey doc, got a minute?” Lee tried to look casual.
Dr. Pfaff looked at him in surprise. “Yes. What can I do for you, Scarecrow?”
“Ahhh, it’s about that truth drug those crispy terrorists gave me. I had a reaction and I was delirious.”
“Yes, I read about it. I’m interested in knowing if you’ve been experiencing any long-term aftereffects from that.”
“Funny you should ask—I was wondering—how long do you think I would have physical side-effects?”
Pfaff thought for a moment—Lee pictured him eating an ice-cream bar as he thought. “The drug should flush out of your system in a few days—no more than a week.”
“I see.” Lee thought. “Could there be any psychological side-effects—like LSD or something?”
“That is a fascinating question. Now that drug was a fairly straightforward truth drug—no hallucinogenic components to it—but because it was old and had started to break down—there’s no telling what effects you might experience. Tell me, have you had any side-effects?—flashbacks?—strange dreams?” He looked intently at Lee. Lee just looked confused. Pfaff grabbed his arm and continued. “It could be long-term—if the drug unlocked any deep inner turmoil—it could accelerate the process—it could cause deep repressed memories and emotions to come to the surface—like intensive psychoanalysis—it could be like months of therapy in a few weeks—”
“No doc—nothing like that has happened—I was just wondering…” Lee lied quickly and tried to get away but the man was on a roll and didn’t hear Lee’s reply.
“It could be emotionally difficult—could cause damage if not handled properly.” Dr. Pfaff focused on Lee intently but with great enthusiasm. “Do you think this has happened?—we could arrange regular meetings—get together twice a week—it would be fascinating to track this process—I read once about a study where a truth drug caused a deeply repressed personality to undergo lasting change in a short time—are you feeling something like that?—we need to explore this—you need to come here twice a week— ”
Lee disengaged from the shrink and fled. ‘Well that was a total disaster. Hopefully the guy will forget all about it. I didn’t admit to anything anyway…’
That night Lee dreamt again.
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Teen Lee was sitting in the waiting room of the base psychiatrist. His uncle had ordered him to go because they had been fighting constantly, and his teacher had suggested it might help. Lee didn’t want to go—he’d seen some of these shrinks before and they had just made him mad. All Lee could think about was reaching 18 and leaving his uncle—going off on his own away from Air Bases and his uncle and the military. But a little conflict in a Southeast Asian country called Vietnam was heating up—and he knew he’d be drafted unless he got a deferment—so he planned to study more and get into college—so he could get a student deferment. He didn’t want to go fight in some jungle.
In the psychiatrist’s office the man droned on for a while—and then sent Lee into a small room to take a whole bunch of tests. Lee hated these sort of tests—there was never any right answer, it seemed. No matter what you put down—they always found something wrong with you. Lee took stupid multiple-choice tests and looked at ink blots and put pegs into holes and looked at pictures and puzzles. It took all day.
Then Lee was back with the shrink, and the man was talking to him about studying him for the effects of how loss and emotional trauma could shape a child. The shrink had the results of all of his tests and wanted to study Lee—they could have sessions twice a week—and they would explore Lee’s inner recesses and unlock all his secrets—the shrink would learn so much and Lee might benefit from some deep therapy.
Lee was deeply frightened by the man—but he didn’t let on. He didn’t want anyone exploring his innermost secrets—he liked his privacy—what little there was living with his uncle. He had heard this song by Pete Seeger—Die Gedanken Sind Frei—My Thoughts are Free. Lee liked listening to those ‘counter-culture’ groups—as well as the hard rock of the Rolling Stones. He figured nothing about his life since his parents had died was in his control—but his thoughts were still free—still his own. This shrink wanted to make him bring all that out and share it. Lee wasn’t going to have any of that. He was panicked—but rapidly formulating a plan to divert the guy.
Then providence—in the form of the Air Force—intervened, and the Major was transferred. Lee had never been so happy for a transfer in his life. They were given all their records to carry with them to the next posting—and Lee had gone through them in the middle of the night while his uncle was sleeping—and destroyed all the psychological ones from that shrink. He read a bit here and there—‘well above average intelligence, deep-seated hostility arising from the early loss of his parents, excellent adaptability and assimilation to new situations, lack of motivation or long-term purpose, retreats into superficial social interactions to compensate for the inability to form deep long-term attachments.’ Lee didn’t understand all of it—but he realized that if these records were gone—he wouldn’t have to see any more shrinks. So he took them out, being careful to leave everything else in the folders, and quietly burned them outside in the deep night.
Lee was worried he’d end up in the stockade if anyone ever found out what he had done, but it would be worth it. He didn’t like that shrink—he hated all the shrinks—they wouldn’t leave him alone—they wanted to fix him—they wanted to know all his secrets and make him better—they wanted him to be a normal boy. That would never happen. He didn’t have parents—his mum and dad were dead—he wasn’t normal—he’d never be normal—why couldn’t they just leave him alone?—why couldn’t he just live his life and wait it out until he was 18?—then he could go out on his own and be a man—he certainly didn’t want to live with the major forever—when he was 18 he could move out and be his own man…
Then Amanda was there. “You can come live with me and my family, Lee. You don’t have to be normal—you’re a spy for heaven’s sakes. What’s normal about that?”
He ran to Amanda and she held him. “I’ll take care of you—I’ll love you just like your mother—you can live with us and be a big brother to Philip and Jamie—they’ll love having another man around the house.”
Lee held tight to Amanda—it felt so good to press their bodies together. ‘I want to love her—she will love me no matter what—but I’m not sure I can love her—she does love me—I want to hold her forever—she’s in love with me—I know it—I want to make love to her—I think she wants to make love to me—I guess I do love her—I’m in love with my Amanda. But how can I tell her? And what should I do about it?’
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He awoke in a sweat again and massively confused. ‘I’m in love with Amanda? No way! She’s not like Eva—or even Dorothy. She’s—she’s—well, she’s my Amanda. She’s different from any other woman in my life. I can’t be in love with my partner. No way.’ He forcefully dismissed those forbidden thoughts from his mind and concentrated on his weekend. ‘Maybe I’ll go up to New York—see a baseball game—do some shopping—get a new suit or two—maybe I can find something nice for Amanda. Yeah—New York it is.’
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