Summary: A case goes wrong and this is what happens. Any more would spoil it.

Setting: Shortly after the series last episode.

Warning: Tissue alert and don’t be holding anything breakable. I’ve also been told that this might induce vocal screams directed towards the computer screen from the reader towards the writer.

Legalese: All of the characters contained herein belong to SMK, which belongs to Warner Bros. and Shoot the Moon. I hold no copyright to any of it, other than the twisted ideas that I sometimes put together for entertainment purposes only.

As always, the only reason I do this is because I’m tired of SMK just sitting somewhere collecting dust and feel that the characters are just too darling together not to have fun with.

Part 1

Still vibrant blazes of color danced across the sky, even as the sun continued its nightly dance of descent downward to allow the moon it’s moment on stage. A light warm breeze danced across the beach, mingling the fresh scents of the ocean and the land.

It was at the juncture, where the blue waters lapped across the white sand that she stood. A little girl dressed in cutoff denim shorts and a red summer tank adorned with an American flag emblem. Long brown ponytails, one on each side of her precocious face, were secured with navy blue ribbons.

She was adorable and the man watching her smiled with fatherly pride as he watched her kick the sand with her feet. It was a moment of childish innocence, enhanced even more by her giggles.

Oh, how he wished there could be more moments like them.

Now was the not the time and so he moved forward along the beach, making his way towards her.

She spied him approaching and her face lit her up.

"Daddy!"

Her delighted squeal reached his ears even as he watched her begin to run along the sand towards him.

He couldn’t help but scoop her up into his arms and swing her around, causing her to laugh even more.

"My little girl," he said as he settled her back down onto the beach and gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead.

"Where’s Mommy?" she asked.

"Always the questioner," he chuckled. Knowing she demanded the answer, he took her little hand in his. "She’s waiting, baby girl, she’s waiting."

William Melrose sat discreetly down the hall, needing to keep his distance lest his own emotions be revealed. He couldn’t afford that, certainly not now and certainly not this time. He knew in the coming days that his strength would be needed, that somehow he would have to become the rock for his family, for that’s what they really were despite what that damned rule book spouted. His personal feelings would have to be locked up tight, so tightly that they wouldn’t be able to find even one crack in his armor to seep through.

Later, he thought.

Later.

How ironic, that they always used that word and yet, in their business, there was never an absolute that later would arrive. They should know better, did know better and yet theirs was not a job for a pessimist.

The optimist in them always continued towards later, believing that if today didn’t give them the resolution they wanted, tomorrow would. Except each of them knew they were running on borrowed time, like the slow inevitable tick-tock on the timer, counting the minutes off steadily until there were no more.

There were no more minutes and no more reprieves and there wouldn’t be a later, for the borrowed time had elapsed.

Movement at the end of the hall caught his attention and he watched with deep sorrow as the young man guided the older woman out of the room, knowing that tonight, like every night for the past week and a half, they would make their way to the hospital cafeteria and attempt to eat before the cafeteria closed its doors for the evening. Despite their grief and pain and feelings of helplessness they would go through the motions of normalcy, knowing that it wouldn’t make a difference one way or another in the outcome.

Quietly he stood and just as quietly he made his way into the room, grateful for a few more minutes.

He stood and watched his daughter as she smelled the flowers, enjoying their floral fragrance. In this aspect, she was so like her mother. She was able to stand back and enjoy the little things in life, the quiet joys and precious moments that he had left slip away too easily.

If only he could do it over again.

A heavy sigh escaped him, despite what he knew. She’d always been Daddy’s little girl and even now, she could break his heart.

Then she stood and looked up at him, meeting his gaze with deep dark eyes.

"I thought you said Mommy was waiting," she reminded him.

"She is, my precious, she is. So are a lot of other people."

"Are we going to a party?" she asked quickly.

He chuckled as he recalled how she’d always had a need to know, even as an infant.

Once again he clasped her tiny hand in his, wanting nothing more than to keep his little girl safe from the big bad world. He reckoned that that was all any father wanted, when it was all said and done. Just to know that his little angel was safe and happy, that all of the wolves had not called upon her door and gained access to break her heart and sadden her soul.

"Not exactly a party, baby. But there are people waiting for you and we must keep going, if we’re to be there."

He would have started walking, except that she tugged out of his hand. He watched with love as she plucked a pretty flower and handed it to him.

"For you, because you’re the bestest Daddy in the whole world," she told him brightly.

He smiled at her even while his head reminded him that if he had been that, he would have never left her or her mother in the first place. Then again, it hadn’t been his decision.

Decisions.

Billy Melrose frowned. Now that was a word.

They’d all made decisions, sometimes hastily, sometimes erroneously.

He looked at all of the beeping monitors that surrounded the bed, the noises that signaled the machinery doing its job all because of a decision.

The machinery that tomorrow would cease doing a job, being brought to a stop because of a painful and lengthy decision made by tormented loved ones. One that he wasn’t sure he could make, one that he was thankful he hadn’t had to make.

He took in the picture that now resided on the metallic nightstand. The smiling faces, the clasped hands, and the look of love that so rarely one discovers in this life. And yes, that too had begun because of a split-second decision.

The decision of who to give an assignment to, who not to put in the field on any given day. He knew he couldn’t take it personally because nobody, not a single soul on this planet, could ever predict how each day would turn or foresee how events would play out and which of his family would return to the office and which would not.

He’d lost agents before; he’d witnessed death in the field and seen many a good man or woman go down. Life snuffed out too quickly, sometimes without meaning, and always, always bitterly hard to accept.

Except this time it was much harder. Maybe because this particular group had gotten to him or maybe because he had mellowed with age. He’d always known when one of his agents had been in trouble, had always prayed that they would find safety during the battle.

He was tired of sending them into battle, weary of not knowing who would return home and angry in knowing that even after he too left the battlefield that next of kin would still continue to be notified when things went horribly wrong.

Billy looked down at the occupant lying on the bed, shrouded with tubes and things that were accomplishing nothing more than sustaining without a promise, and a tear rolled down his cheek as he mourned the loss. A life that had held such bright potential, only to be snuffed out by a two-timing perp who amounted to nothing more than a rodent on the battlefield.

A pathetic rodent who hadn’t possessed a gun in his hands but still had managed to deliver the ultimate blow, a push down a flight of steps. Maybe it would have been easier to comprehend if it had been a gunshot wound, if comprehension were even possible.

The fall itself hadn’t been that bad. A few bruises and bumps that would have amounted to nothing when compared to the daily agony of an agent in the field. Instead, gravity or physics, what have you, had taken play and the human head does not like to go against hard concrete in such a manner.

Wiping quickly at the tears now falling down his face, he inhaled deeply and prepared to take his nightly leave. They would return soon and he didn’t want them to know, he wanted to allow them these moments without Agency intrusion. It was the least that he could and not anywhere close to being enough.

Part 2

They had walked a little more, reaching the playground. As he’d anticipated, her first stop was the sliding board. He allowed her these moments, the thrill of sliding down to be caught in his awaiting hands.

If only he had stopped long enough to enjoy those moments, the simple times of play. For all too soon they grow into adults and such times become nothing more than a wisp of a memory, the opportunities lost. He wondered if she still had those memories of sliding boards and summer picnics, lazy afternoons where nothing had been the goal beneath the blue sky and puffy clouds.

Or, had they been replaced by all of the challenges that had arisen up from the dust along the journey of life?

He had been given those opportunities and he mourned the loss of not making the most of them, of not realizing that sometimes the journey ends long before one thinks it should. He supposed he could be angry over that, but his anger had faded a millennium ago, or so it seemed. Now he had a chance, however brief to revel in her childish joy and recapture a long-lost innocence.

The more things changed, the more they remained the same. Despite it all, he didn’t think she’d lost all of her joy. He knew that life had handed her a combined platter of good and bad, happiness and tears and yet, she was still his little girl who somehow always managed to find the good and chase the bad away.

She was sweetness and beauty, like her mother, and inquisitive and thoughtful like him. Perhaps he was biased, but he was certain that she had been given the best of both her parents and that made her even more precious to him.

"Daddy?"

Her little voice broke into his thoughts.

"Yes, princess?"

"Where’s Mommy? You said she’d be here and she isn’t."

He saw the look she was giving him. That direct, demanding an answer now look that she’d perfected very early on. It was the same look that had put him on the receiving end of lectures about not spoiling her from her mother time and time again.

He stole a glance at his watch.

"Its not quite time, princess."

She clapped her hands in delight.

"We can play some more?"

"If you want, anything you want princess."

"Good, cause I want to play and there’s nobody else here, which is good, cause I can play all I want, right Daddy?"

"For as long as you want," he laughed.

To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer and poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, for all the days of our lives.

Except that he wanted to know who in the hell had the right to decide how few days were granted. He wanted to know who designed the ultimate time line that decided how long one had to cherish and to love and to simply be. He thought he at least deserved to know that much.

But dwelling upon those thoughts would cause nothing but black searing pain to penetrate his brain and he couldn’t do that, would not allow that. Not yet, for he had people depending upon him to be strong. He would not and could not fall apart. For an instant he had a crazy vision, a delusional thought, actually. The scene from the movie came to mind, where the Scarecrow was losing his stuffing along the yellow brick road.

He shook his head quickly, banishing the thoughts to the back of his mind and willing his attention to focus on the woman who had once again settled into her chair to begin what had become an almost constant vigil.

He placed his hands on her slim shoulders, hoping to give her comfort and finding that it offered him some. He could almost see the smile that hinted to cross her face when he did so. Then he felt her hand reach up and clasp his, warmly. She pulled down and placed a loving kiss on his hand.

"I, ah, I have to go now," he mumbled. A part of him was not ready to give up the comfort that she offered and he so hungrily took but another part of him knew that he had something to do yet this night.

"I know," she told him. "We’ll be here," she whispered.

He leaned down and kissed her hair lightly.

"I’ll be back soon," he promised.

She nodded but said nothing as he removed his hands from her and turned towards the door.

He took one glance back, frowned, and then forced himself to walk away from the beeps and hisses and noises that had become a constant companion.

He needed to do this and he needed to it tonight.

Part 3

As he went one way down the hall, towards the exit, she entered on the other side, thereby ensuring that their paths did not cross. In fact, their paths hadn’t crossed in days.

She should be thankful because right now she didn’t think she could stand to see the grief written on his face. It would be too much, too soon.

When she opened the door to the room, she nearly halted but it was quickly apparent that her entrance had not gone undetected.

She was greeted by a warm smile from the woman keeping silent vigil by the bed, a warmth that she hadn’t expected and didn’t feel she deserved.

"I’m sorry," she whispered. "I’ll go."

"No, nonsense, come in," the older woman beckoned.

Pausing, hesitant, she couldn’t bring her feet to carry her in.

"Child, come here," her voice instructed, leaving no room for refusal.

Slowly, her body listened to the instruction and she found herself sitting in the chair, side by side with the woman who didn’t deserve this turmoil. A turmoil that she had been unable to prevent.

"It’s all my fault," she whispered quietly as the final impact of everything assaulted her mind, the rapid succession of events playing out in her mind until the hard rush of the finality of it all crashed into her and she gasped aloud.

She hadn’t expected it but suddenly warm arms embraced her. She felt the sobs and tears that she had managed to hold at bay come to the forefront and the dam welling all of her emotions gave way beneath the loving touch of a mother who had no right to be so loving, not to her.

"I’m so sorry," she cried.

"Hush," said the older woman as she rocked the younger agent in her arms. "You did what you could, you’re injured yourself."

Gazes fell upon the cast that protected her broken wrist. There were unseen bruises, covered by her clothing and there was the large hideous bruise that marred the pale skin of her cheek.

"It wasn’t enough, I didn’t do enough," the younger woman sobbed.

"She would never want you to think that," came the insistent reply. "She never would think like that and she wouldn’t want you to either."

"I really should go."

"No, stay with me, stay with her," was the plea. "We won’t have tomorrow."

"There are never enough, are there?"

Sadly, the elder woman shook her head, knowing that they both were reflecting on all of the losses they’d endured in their respective lives.

"I guess not."

He parked his car, sliding the gear into park. Then he sat for a few minutes, gazing out at the darkness. Of all the places that he could have gone, one would think this would be the last place he’d want to be.

But, like voices calling to him in the night, they had beckoned and so he had listened. Funny, how many times in his life he hadn’t really listened to the voices. He’d ignored them, pushing them aside because he’d been cocky and arrogant and had thought that he had known better how to handle things in his life.

If he’d only listened earlier, then they would have had more time. Though, honestly, he knew that there was never enough time, not in their business.

Sighing, he opened the door and slid his long body out of the car. Even in the darkness, he made his way easily to his destination. He knelt down upon the grass, inhaling the scent of the roses that he placed down in offering. Beautiful red and pink roses, how ironic was that?

They hadn’t had enough time either, he reflected. He shook his head, trying to comprehend any of it and finding that none of it made any sense. Maybe that’s how this crazy world operated, on a nonsense basis rather than sanity.

Because right now, there was no rationalization to any of it, at least not to him and there might never be.

"We didn’t have enough time," he whispered knowing that there was nobody to hear his agony and yet hoping that they heard. They were the only ones that would understand and yet, wouldn’t.

He didn’t know if he could handle being left behind, without her in his daily life. He wasn’t sure how he’d managed without her and he couldn’t even fathom going forward without her. He didn’t know if he wanted to.

"We didn’t tell the boys yet," he said. "Hell, they’re half a world away."

He remembered how she had fretted over that one. But they might not have had another chance to go as no more long stays such as that one seemed on the horizon. They had wanted to go, even insisting that they could give up their summer activities for such an adventure. It was a lifetime opportunity and they had been so, gung-ho, was the word that they had used.

In the end, she had relented, because her youngest had said that it might do them good, some private time alone before the school year started and they had to get back to the business of after-school events. A time to complete adjustments that still needed to be made and a great way to end what all of them had decided had been a pretty awesome summer.

They’d just gotten back to the main city after a long safari trip. A long and painful telephone call and the decision that this was one thing they didn’t need to know. They were due back home day after tomorrow and both men had decided that they should be allowed to keep their treasured memories of her smiles and laughter, rather than tainting them with what now remained.

It might actually be the first thing that they had mutually agreed upon, other than the fact that she was one hell of a woman.

And tonight, tonight he mourned the fact that in the end there hadn’t been nearly enough time.

"Daddy, it’s getting late, isn’t it?" she asked.

"I suppose," he replied.

"Mommy will be worried if we don’t go home in time for dinner," she told him in as much of an authoritative voice as a child her age could manage.

He smiled and winked at her.

"You’re mother knows how I am. I just want my little girl to have fun."

"She’ll be mad at you and you’ll be in the doghouse," she told him.

He laughed.

"Where did you hear that phrase?"

"Mrs. McCabbie uses it all the time with Debbie Ann’s dad." She leaned in close to him and whispered, "I think he keeps a blanket in the doghouse now."

"I suspect he just might," he replied.

"Mommy won’t make you sleep in the doghouse, will she? Cause if she does you’ll catch a cold, then you’ll be miserable and Mommy will be grouchy."

"Well, we can’t have your mother grouchy, now can we Panda?"

She grinned at him.

"No grouchy Mommy," she agreed with him.

"At any rate, it will be time soon," he told her.

"Time for what?"

"You’ll see princess, you’ll see."

Part 4

It was well after midnight and Lee had yet to return to the hospital. Francine had finally left and Dotty’s heart ached for the pain she’d witnessed from the younger woman.

The quiet of the hospital surrounded her, broken only by the continuous noises of the machines.

Dotty bit her lip in an attempt from screaming at them. They weren’t doing any good; they couldn’t perform the miracle that she had been so earnestly praying for.

Miracles, how could one be expected to believe in them? How could one expect to believe in anything anymore?

They preached faith and belief but how could she have faith when her own eyes were taking in the sight before her. She’d lost her husband far too early for her own liking; she’d lost several unborn children in an attempt to give him the family they’d both so desperately wanted.

And now, now, she was going to lose the precious daughter who had been such a miracle of joy for them.

Sitting here tonight, alone in her thoughts and sadness she could well understand the heartache that Lee had felt during his childhood. It had been no wonder that he’d closed off all of his emotions and refused to let anybody see what lay beneath the surface. Except that Amanda had seen and she’d patiently, almost instinctively, known not to give up on the treasure that was locked away.

Dotty didn’t think she’d ever seen her daughter as happy as she was than when she was with Lee. They’d been perfect together, a beautiful couple who had so much to live for. And now, all of their hopes and dreams had been dashed.

Though she had vowed not to cry, a few tears rolled down her cheeks as she surveyed the young woman who had been so full of life, so happy.

"Oh, you’d have been so proud of her," she whispered. "Our little girl, who would have ever thought?"

She spoke aloud, to her now dead husband, somehow knowing that he could hear these occasional conversations that she’d had with him since his passing.

"She was one of the best, that Mr. Melrose told me. You know, he really isn’t that bad of a man, he just has a job to do, and I know, deep in my heart, that he loved Amanda like his own daughter."

Dotty sniffled.

"Oh, what am I going to do without her? How are those precious boys going to live without her? I know Joe and Lee love them very much, and having two strong men in their lives is a good thing, but I know that they still need their mother, even if they are boys. They were her babies, so precious."

She wiped her eyes with a tissue.

"You didn’t get to see Amanda graduate from college, you didn’t get to see her married, not once but twice. You never got to hold her sons and now, oh," she sobbed, "there’s so much she’s going to miss, so much. It’s not fair."

Dotty reached out and touched her daughter’s arm, lightly caressing the pale skin that seemed much too cold.

"They don’t keep this place warm enough, why do they do that? Someone could catch pneumonia."

She stood up and walked over to the window, gazing out at the twinkling lights of the city. She shook her head and tried to chase away the tears but instead brought her hand to her mouth to cover the sobs that came.

Dotty squeezed her eyes shut, trying to hold back the tears but now, surrounded by nothing, they came.

There was nothing more the doctors could do. They admitted that they weren’t really doing anything now. Other than the seizures when they’d first brought Amanda into the hospital, there had been nothing. Perhaps it would have been easier if they’d lost her then but for some perverse reason, Amanda hadn’t quite given up.

She’d always been a fighter; Dotty gave her credit for that. But this time had proved too much of a battle for her little girl to win.

The doctors had been bluntly honest with them yesterday. There was nothing. Why keep her like this, why torture everyone when there was no hope?

Had it been some sort of joke, time to prepare for the inevitable?

"Nobody can ever prepare for this," Dotty answered herself angrily. "How could you? Nobody ever wants to lose his or her child, not like this. It’s not fair, damn, it’s not fair."

As her knees weakened and she felt herself sinking to the cold sterile floor, strong arms caught her and held her.

She felt him wrap his arms around her and hold her close.

"My baby girl," she cried. "My baby girl."

"I know," Lee whispered. "I know."

Together, in the loneliness of the night, they grieved, for what they had had and for what they were about to lose when the light of the new day rose up around them.

***

An eternity watching his daughter happily at play would never be enough. He doubted it would ever be enough for any man who was truly a father. Her sweet laugher filled the air and warmed his soul.

She skipped back and forth between the sliding board and the swings, sometimes chatting happily to herself and sometimes to him. She was content and healthy and happy.

She was the miracle that they had thought they might be deprived of and yet he and Dotty had been blessed. A man might want sons to continue the family line, but not once had he been disappointed in the fact that his only child was a daughter.

He regretted what he had missed and what he had not done when he had had the opportunity but not even for a heartbeat did he regret his little Panda being a girl. He only could hope now that he might have the chance to do one remaining thing that was right by his little angel.

***

Morning had arrived, the sun heralding in the new day to working populace on the streets below. Streets that would become busier as the air warmed in the morning light and the rest of the world would return to the normal daily routine as though nothing were amiss. Except that this morning would not only herald in new beginnings, it would also write the final chapter and bring to close something so precious yet too often taken for granted.

It had been a painfully hard decision, but in the end it had been the only one to make. Neither he nor she could imagine her wanting it to continue like this, when nothing would come forth, when hope would not spring eternal. At some point, there had to be closure, an ending, and they had made their decision.

They had accepted the fact that they would have to live with it but neither could go on living while she would not. She wouldn’t have wanted it. They didn’t want it for her.

And so, they waited for the one last time when they would meet with the physician who had taken her under his wing, the man who, despite good intentions, had not been able to give their angel the gift of flight again.

They found they were not alone in their wait but instead were surrounded by a few close friends who had gathered to offer their support in the final moments, the darkest yet.

Their Section Chief and his wife came. Their boss, who had been proud to watch her bloom under the Scarecrow’s tutelage to become more than just a protégé, sat silently beside his wife. He had witnessed the change as she had taken her first tiny steps before spreading her wings on the journey that had transformed her into one of the best agents he ever had the privilege to supervise.

He would miss her laughter, her cheery morning greetings, but most of all he would miss the friend that she had become. He would mourn not only her loss because he thought of her as one of his own, but he would also worry how this loss would affect the agent he’d come to think of as a son.

Francine sat in a chair by herself, clutching a stuffed panda bear that Mrs. West had bought for her at the gift shop. Normally calm and composed, Francine seemed little more than a suffering child as tears made their way to trickle down her cheeks. Despite everything, she had come to regard Amanda as an equal and yes, even a friend. A friend that she had failed in the line of duty, a duty that now no longer called to her and one that she knew she would walk away from.

The captain had come, not only to stand beside the woman that he loved but also because he had come to think of Amanda as the daughter he had never had.

And while Dotty talked quietly to the pastor who had come from their church, Lee stood off to the side. He twisted the gleaming gold band that he had not worn nearly enough in public, his stiff posture an indicator that he needed solitude.

And so they waited this small group of people who had been brought together by a mere split-second decision years earlier. They waited because of a decision and because of her.

Part 5

It was nearly time and he now found that he could not find the words. How to say what would take a lifetime in mere minutes? What to say?

It had always been hard for him to find the words, yet alone say them. So, again, he remained silent.

***

Like a thundering train, it approached them and there was nowhere to hide. Ominous and deadly, it’s roar growing louder with every second. Dotty allowed herself to be pulled into the arms of the man who loved her, Billy’s face grew paler and his wife pulled tissues out of her purse. Francine’s tears had run dry and she sat staring at the far wall, her blue eyes void and expressionless.

The physician conferred quietly with Lee, who denied having any more questions and affirmed that they still were in agreement.

Then Lee walked alone into the room, needing a few more minutes with his wife. He didn’t know what he would say, he only knew that it would take a lifetime to tell her everything and that they no longer had a lifetime.

How could he tell her that he loved her more than he’d ever thought possible and still be contemplating the action that would take her completely away from him, forever?

Should he tell her that he regretted being an idiot, a man so dense that he had refused to acknowledge her presence, her being the very thing that he needed most for far too long? Should he tell her that he adored her soft smile and that he had thrilled at the little sighs she made when they were together intimately? Would she know that he vowed to do everything in his power to protect her sons, to keep them safe from harm? Would she be happy to know that he and Joe had formed an alliance to give the boys anything that they might need and that, despite their past differences, they vowed to be the best father and step-father that any children could ask for?

Maybe she would be angry for their decision not to tell the boys until they got back from Africa, but he hoped not. Mutually he and Joe had thought it best for the boys to be stateside again and surrounded by family when they broke the news to them rather than telling them when they were on the other side of the world.

Did she have any idea that there was a telephone message at home, the boys calling to tell her they were back from their safari adventure and that Jamie couldn’t wait to share his pictures with her and that Philip had the most awesome things to tell her about? That they loved her and missed her and would see her when they got back home?

Instead of saying anything, he sat there in the chair, his fingers stroking her hand; lightly gliding over the wedding band set that adorned her finger. Her skin felt cool to him and he longed for the warmth of her gentle caresses that he knew he would never feel again.

He wished for one more kiss, for one more I love you, for one more night to hold her in his arms and cherish her in the way she’d been meant to be.

He could have told her that she’d passed her exams in the latest of advanced classes she’d signed up for with flying colors. Or he could have told her that there had been a break on the latest case or that the Agency funding had been granted for more computers to be purchased or that Beaman seemed to have the hots for a new little secretary hired down in crypto.

Instead, he told her that he was sorry and that he loved her and that he would try his best to be a good stepfather and son-in-law. And then he asked, pleaded actually, for her forgiveness as the tears fell down his face and onto their clasped hands.

Part 6

He watched his little girl playing and he knew that the time was near. He could see it in the distance, beginning to emerge in the nothingness of air above the ocean water. Selfishly he wondered if he could keep her to himself, but he knew that was not the plan.

There was nothing that he could do to change that.

He knelt down beside her and took her little hands in his.

"Amanda, you know that I love you, right?"

"I know that," she replied. "And I love you, you’re the best daddy in the whole wide world."

"Then promise me that you won’t be afraid."

"Afraid of what?" she asked him, confusion showing in her eyes.

"Afraid of what will be," he told her.

"That don’t make any sense," she told her father. "And you did tell me that we don’t want Mommy grouchy. When are we going home?"

While he spoke he gazed over her head, out to the horizon.

"Soon baby girl, soon."

***

The physician had promised them that she wouldn’t feel a thing and he guessed that they were right. How could she when there was nothing left?

They said that she would just slip away but he figured that had already happened somewhere between the ambulance ride and her arrival at the hospital.

He was afraid for her, nonetheless. He was her husband and he wanted nothing more than to shelter her from any harm and yet he felt as though he was the one, that he was the cause of the harm.

He felt Dotty’s hand clutch his, could feel her tremble as he gripped her smaller hand tighter. The only way to get through this was together and he had vowed not to let her mother go through this alone.

Alone was not always a good thing, as he’d come to discover.

And yet, even now, surrounded by friends and people who loved him, he realized that he had never felt so alone in all of his life. He prayed that she didn’t feel alone, he prayed that there was really a heaven and that she would be safe and that maybe, maybe one day he’d see her beautiful face again, hear her laughter and maybe even see her dark eyes sparkle with the exuberance for life that she’d always possessed.

They were told that it was time and he had to fight to catch his breath. He’d had no idea that it would be this hard.

***

It had grown larger and it was moving closer, a hazy misty cloud that traveled over the deep blue of the ocean slowly. He knew where it was headed and what it was for.

"Daddy," she whispered, fright now evident in her little voice. "What is it?"

He hugged her tightly, feeling her little arms wrap around him.

"It’s time Panda."

"Time for what?"

"You know that I love you sweetheart, that I love you and your mother very much?"

"Yeah."

"You trust me, don’t you Panda?"

She nodded, slowly.

"Then you have to do exactly as I tell you."

"I want my Mommy," she sobbed as her dark eyes took in the approaching cloud.

***

They stood beside the bed, holding on to one another.

No mother should have to go through this, he thought.

My daughter shouldn’t be the one going first, she thought.

The attending physician gave them a final questioning look.

Dotty sniffled and Lee nodded.

***

"You have to do exactly what I tell you Manda, exactly."

"I want my Mommy!"

"I know baby, I know," he told her as he kissed her lightly.

The cloud had neared the edge of the beach and soon he knew the misty haze would be as close as it was going to get. There was one opportunity only and he had to make his little girl understand.

"I want you to get on the swing, Amanda."

"I don’t wanna play anymore," she told him, shaking her head in refusal. Her dark eyes had filled with tears and her lower lip was trembling.

"Please baby, please. Trust me."

He squeezed her hands one more time, hoping to give his child the courage that was needed.

The hazy mist had now reached the edge of the beach and would soon be there, awaiting her decision.

"I wanna go home," she cried. "I want my Mommy. I wanna go home, right now. Please Daddy!"

He’d hoped to never hear her little voice filled with so much fear and he had to fight back his own tears.

"On the swing, please sweetheart, please. You must, you have to trust me. I know you can do it."

She shook her head.

"No, please Daddy, no. Make it go away."

"It will precious, it will."

"My head hurts and I wanna go home. Mommy! Mommy!"

He scooped her little body up into his strong arms and placed her on the swing, despite her screams and protests. This was the last act of love that he could do for her and he would not fail her, not this time.

***

"She’s in the hands of the Lord now," the physician said quietly.

Dotty buried her head against Lee’s chest, not caring now whether she had promised not to cry. Her sobs filled the room and she refused to watch.

***

The mist had nearly met them and then it stopped. It seemed to wane momentarily before beginning to blaze with a brightness that rivaled the sun and yet did not hurt their eyes. He knew it would come no further and he knew that she had to be the one to act.

"You have to swing, Panda. You have to swing as high as you can and then jump."

"No," she sobbed. "I wanna go, I wanna go home, I want my Mommy!"

"Trust me Panda, please," he begged.

"No," she wailed. "No."

"Swing, now," he commanded her. "Trust me!"

"Trust you?" she asked suddenly. "Trust you?" She shook her head. "My head hurts Daddy and I don’t want to be here anymore."

"Then trust me and swing. Swing like you’ve never done before. And then, when you’ve gone as high as you can, you jump."

"Jump?"

"It’s the only way Panda, the only way."

Even as she spoke, her little legs began to move, trying to give the swing momentum.

"There isn’t another option?" she asked him.

"No, you have to do this and you have to do it now."

Her little legs began to pump but the swing was barely moving.

"I can’t Daddy, I can’t. Please help me," she begged. "Please!"

He stood behind her and pushed, helping to begin the momentum.

The swing began to move higher and faster but still it wasn’t quite enough.

***

They had been told what the physician would do, had been prepped on it but it didn’t make it easier. It seemed to him that the act was cold and barbaric and he suddenly doubted if they were doing the right thing. A cold chill of panic spread through his body and he knew that he was trembling as much as Dotty.

He knew that soon the sustaining noises that they had grown accustomed to would fade into silence and when it did, it would all be over. It wouldn’t be like in California, when the continual noises had reassured him that she still was fighting.

Tears began to flow freely now from his hazel eyes although he had thought that he had cried his last one on the cold floor with Dotty in the wee hours of the morning.

God, how he loved her. Why God, why her?

***

"I can’t do it," his little girl cried.

"Panda, as high as you can! And then jump. You’ve jumped before."

"Not like this, not without you Daddy."

The looming mist had brightened and remained motionless, as if beckoning to the little girl on the swing. He knew they only had so much time and then the chance would be taken away.

"Almost Panda, almost!"

And then he knew she was as high as the swing would go and that the moment was now or never.

"Jump Panda, jump!"

"No, I’m scared!"

"NOW!" he bellowed to his daughter. "Trust me! NOW!"

And then her little hands pulled away from the chains and with a scream, she took a leap of faith. He watched as her little body flew off the seat of the swing, her ponytails flying in the wind and he prayed that she reached the final destination.

Part 7

Lee wasn’t sure what he expected, but he felt as though every fiber of his being had been ripped to shreds and his heart had torn into a million pieces. Vaguely, he was aware of the nurse who had been standing by quietly and of the physician who had tried so hard.

His hazel eyes had come to fix upon one of the monitors and he watched in silent fascination as the reading curved upward and downward, a line that for now symbolized the fading attachment of what little still held his wife to this world.

***

He had watched as the swing arced in a back and forth rhythm, taking his daughter up and down. All the while he had known that this brief connection with her would soon be over and a part of him was selfish. He would have loved nothing more than to keep her to himself and all the while he had known what role he had to play.

Up and down, faster and then higher, despite her cries and despite his heavy feeling of loss, he had known that it would be what it was to be.

***

There was a moment when the line and the beeping stayed steady. And then they faltered. The line took an enormous dip down and the beeping turned to a shrill screech.

From the shadows, he was aware of the horrified gasp from Dotty and the nurse helping the distraught woman to sit in the chair.

He moved forward and placed his hand over Amanda’s.

The beeping steadied out for a moment and the line curved back up, briefly before plummeting downward again.

He had wanted Amanda to trust him and she had and now he had to look at the results.

"Trust me," he had pleaded with her.

She should have said no, she should have walked, no, she should have ran from him.

He bit his lip to hold back the cry that threatened to escape from his mouth when the beeping stopped and the line plummeted downward.

He wished that there was some other option to give her, to give them, but there was none to exist, no matter how hard they wanted it.

The beeping faded away into silence and the line remained flat on the screen.

***

She had trusted him, his little girl so brave and sweet. And he had let her go, had made her go because of his faith and his belief and because she was her daddy’s little girl and he loved her more than anything except for his wife.

This was a father’s love for a child and it was this that gave him peace.

Part 8 – December 16th, 1987

He came from the kitchen, carrying two mugs of hot cocoa. It was snowing outside, the first winter storm of the season. He paused for a moment, to take in the sight before him. The Christmas tree had been put up and decorated with loving hands. The entire house had a holiday feel to it and for the first time in what seemed his entire life; he was enjoying all the crazy things that went into this holiday.

But nothing filled him with happiness more than the vision that waited on the couch for his return. And he knew that if he didn’t get in there with that cocoa he was going to be in big trouble.

She was sitting there, her legs curled beneath her and her nose buried in a book. He ought to strangle Billy for suggesting the idea but then again, if it made her happy he was happy.

He sat down beside her and watched as she closed the book with her slender hands before placing it on the coffee table. With a beautiful smile she accepted the hot drink from him.

"You even put in marshmallows," she observed.

"Only because I know how much you love them," he winked.

She took a few sips and then set her drink down. He did the same, and then, moving as one, he settled back against the couch and she curled up in his arms. This was one of the things that he had come to appreciate so much lately. A quiet evening where they could just be, nothing special, just with one another.

Lee breathed in the scent of her hair and smiled. He nuzzled his face in it and she giggled. Though not as long as it had been before, it was growing and now just skimmed the tops of her shoulders. She loved when he played with it and he indulged her now, letting his fingers toy through the silky strands, grateful that another reminder of what they’d been through was fading.

"What were you reading?" he whispered into her ear.

"Oh, a book for class," she told him.

"Which class?" Lee chuckled.

"The legal one that I told you about, the one where I learn how to make sure that you don’t bust a case by doing something illegal."

"You mean I have to follow the rules," he groaned.

She turned her head towards him and gave him a beautiful smile before kissing him lightly.

"Yes Scarecrow, sometimes you have to follow the rules," she replied.

He chuckled softly before kissing her again. Then he pulled away, his hands cupping her face as he simply looked at her. There were times that he couldn’t believe the miracle and he had to physically have a reminder that all had turned out just fine.

He still had nightmares, the beeping of the machines and the curving lines would haunt him in his dreams but instead of things turning out as they truly had, they would cease completely. The hospital room would be filled with an eerie silence instead of the fluttering beeps that had told them she wasn’t quite ready to go down without a fight.

A heavy sigh escaped him and he tugged her close to him, needing to actually hear her heart beating against his chest. In this too, she indulged him, at least for a few moments.

"Sweetheart," she whispered when she felt as though she had been smothered quite enough for one evening.

"I’m sorry," he apologized.

Amanda kissed him softly.

"Don’t be," she told him in a gentle voice. "I just need you to," she hesitated before continuing, "well, just don’t smother me so much, okay?"

Lee smiled at her. He knew she’d had her own battles and demons to face while on the road to recovery, her own nightmares and strange dreams that made little sense to her, a family that still seemed unable to quite let her out of their line of vision for more than a few seconds and even a friend who still couldn’t quite let go of the guilt and blame for something that none of them had had control over.

It had been a long road covered over the past few months but sitting here now, feeling her in his arms, he was a content man. Well, maybe almost content.

He gave her a devilish grin, complete with dimples and all of the Stetson charm in full force.

"You don’t really have to study tonight, do you?" he asked her.

"Well, the test isn’t for a few more days. And I’m sure Beaman will grumble again that I’m screwing with his curve," she told him.

"Well then, good, because right now Mrs. Stetson, I have something more interesting than legal mumbo-jumbo to show you."

"You do?"

"Yeah, I do," he responded as his mouth caught hers and he showed her just exactly what he had in mind.

When they pulled away, breathless and both dizzy, he smiled at her and held out his hand.

"Trust me?" he teased.

"With this? Absolutely Scarecrow, absolutely."

He tugged her up to stand and then scooped her into his arms, both knowing where they would spend the remainder of this wintry night.

Neither of them noticed the ghost of a shadow that resided near the Christmas tree as they laughed their way up the stairs.

That was fine by him though. He had just wanted to check on her, to make sure that she really was fine. And then, as his eye took in the title of the book lying forgotten on the coffee table, he smiled with pride.

"That’s Daddy’s little girl."