"Regrets are idle; yet history is one long regret. Everything might have turned out so differently."

-Charles Dudley Warner

Lee awoke to a loud ringing sound.  He threw his arm onto the alarm clock, but the ringing continued.  Realizing the clock was not the source of the obnoxious sound, he fumbled for the phone.  “Hello?” 

“Hi, Lee.  It’s Amanda.  I--”

“Amanda?  Where are you?  Why aren’t you here?”  What time was it?  What day was it?  He had thought it was Saturday, but why would she be anywhere, except lying next to him?  And why hadn’t the kids come in already? 

“Lee, I thought we were meeting at the café down the street from the Agency?  I only called to let you know I was running about twenty minutes late.  It’s taken me a bit longer to pack than I had thought.”

“Pack?”  His conversation with Marcus the night before came crashing down.  He jolted upright and looked around the room.  “Damn!”  It was too late.  He was back in his old life. 

“I’m sorry, Lee.”

‘Not as sorry as I am.’  “No, no, Amanda.  I didn’t mean . . . Don’t worry about it.  I’ll see you there in forty-five minutes.  Will that be okay?” 

“Sure.  See you then.”

“Bye.”

Lee dropped the receiver back on its cradle and slumped back in bed, running his hand through his hair.  “Why, Marcus?  Why now?  Just when things were so . . . perfect.”  He threw off the sheet, dragged himself from the bed, and headed for the shower. 

dddddddddddddddddd

Lee strolled into the café and immediately spotted Amanda sitting at the corner table.  How could she look so different?  Hadn’t he just seen her last night and watched her sleep?  Her hair was straight and several inches longer than it had been.  The woman was still as beautiful as ever, but she seemed sad.  Her confidence was missing.  As if she just wanted to blend into the wall.  Her eyes were the most telling.  They looked sad and lonely--lifeless. 

As he walked up to the table, she greeted him with a small smile.  They shook hands awkwardly, and he took a seat across from her. 

“Thanks for meeting me on such short notice, Amanda.  How are you?”  He signaled the waitress over and ordered coffee.  He watched her carefully, trying to determine what was so different about her.  She was a stark contrast from the woman he fell in love with over the course of the past several weeks.  He fought the urge to pull her to him and kiss her senseless. 

“No problem, Lee.  I’m good, thank you.”

“Go ahead and order breakfast if you’d like.”

“I’ll just stick to coffee, thanks.”  She nodded to the waitress and handed her back the menu. 

“I thought you always said breakfast is the most important meal of the day?” 

She frowned slightly.  “I guess I’m just a bit nervous this morning.”

“Right, your trip.”  He remembered their conversation before he was pulled into the glimpse.  “So, you’re flying off to Hawaii to get married, huh?  Who’s the lucky guy?”  His stomach was tied in knots waiting for her answer.  He should have asked the guy's name that night so he could have had a full background check run before he arrived at the restaurant. 

“Well, his name is Tom Sundry.  He’s a computer salesman.  He’s at a conference in Hawaii, so I’m meeting him there.  We thought we’d take advantage of the trip and just elope.  We’ll have a small reception when we return.”

“That’s great,” he lied.  She should be marrying him, not some bozo salesman.  He had to change the subject.  “How are the boys and your mother?” 

“They’re doing great.  Phillip graduated from college this past summer, pre-law like his father.  He’ll be starting Georgetown in a few days.  Jamie will be a junior at George Washington University, studying biology.  My mother is doing well; she’s married and living in Arizona now.  I miss her terribly, but she’s very happy.  Actually, I miss them all.”

“Well, I’m glad they are all doing well.”  He straightened his silverware nervously.

“How about yourself?  What’s new with you?”  She stared at him for a moment. 

“Oh, you know.  Same old, same old.”  He felt like she could see right into his soul.  It was the same feeling he had whenever Jenny watched him.  Luckily, the waitress delivered their coffees, breaking the silence.

“So, let’s see.”  He pulled his file out and started reading through the questions, as if on autopilot. 

After what seemed like hours, but in reality, had only been thirty minutes, Lee was finished with the standard review questions, adding a few more for good measure. 

“Does Tom know what you did for a living before you two met?”  It was difficult to look her in the eyes, and he was afraid she’d see right through him, as she always did. 

“No, he wouldn’t understand.”  Funny, she had that same sad look on her face that she had when he first saw her from across the room. 

“So, what are your plans after you get back from your . . . uh . . .” He couldn’t even say the word.

“Honeymoon?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Well, Tom’s job is based out of New York, so we’ll be moving there shortly after we return.”

“Won’t you miss seeing Phillip and Jamie?”  He couldn’t believe she’d move away from them.  They were her life.

“They're not little boys anymore, Lee.  They have lives of their own now, and so do I.”  Was she trying to convince him or herself?  Either way, she sounded a bit defensive. 

“What will you do there?  You don’t know anyone.  How long have you known this Tom?”  The questions poured out of him, and he was having difficulty controlling his frustration. 

“I’ll get a job as a secretary or something and make new friends, I suppose.”  She shrugged, as if she hadn’t really thought it out completely.  “I’ve known him for about four years now.”

This was not the same Amanda he knew.  She would never leave her boys, no matter how old they were.  “Are you sure you’ve thought this through?  Do you really love this guy?  He’s making you move hundreds of miles away from your home, you have to leave your boys--”

“How dare you?  You haven’t spoken to me in nearly ten years, and you think you know what’s best for me?” 

“You think I haven’t thought about you at all during that time?  Wondered what you were doing?  Whom you were doing it with?”  She stared at him wide-eyed.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to upset you.  I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” 

“I appreciate your concern, Lee, but I’m a grown woman.  I can take care of myself.”  Her voice had softened but still held an edge. 

He smiled and nodded, knowing first hand how well she could take care of herself and everyone else around her.  Lee breathed deeply, trying to steady his nerves.  ‘Here goes nothing.’  “Amanda, if I had asked you to stay on at the Agency all those years

ago . . . well, would you have?” 

“That was so long ago.  What does it matter now?”  Her eyes pleaded with him to drop the subject. 

He refused.  “Please, just answer the question.”

“Lee, what is it you want me to say?”  She ran her hand along the side of their table and then looked into his eyes.  “That I wished you had asked me to stay in this crazy spy world of yours all those years ago?  That I’d be happier as your partner, chasing down God knows whom, all over the world?  Risking my life to save my country, instead of getting married to a man who loves me and can provide a stable, albeit predictable life.”  She finished in a rush, taking a deep breath and looking down at her tightly clasped hands.  Perhaps her nerves were as frazzled as his.    

There, he saw that look again.  What was it?  What was she saying, without really saying it? 

“Lee, we all have regrets . . .” She stopped abruptly, as if she’d said too much.  She breathed in deeply, and, with renewed determination in her voice, she continued.  “Look, I’m getting married in less than forty-eight hours.  The past is just that, the past.  It’s not like it matters anymore.  We can’t go back.”  She stared at him from across the table, almost daring him to press her further. 

Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.  Maybe too much time had passed between them.  Damn!  He’d really messed up.  Not only had he allowed ten years to go by without talking to her, he’d let another man take his place beside her.   ‘It’s your own fault, Stetson.  Billy tried to warn you that you were letting the best thing that ever happened to you walk out of your life.  And you just sat there and watched her leave.  You deserve to be alone.’  The voice in his head left no room for excuses.  He ploughed his hand through his hair and studied the beautiful woman across from him.  What could he say?  He’d obviously hurt her when he let her go without a fight. 

“Lee?” 

“I’m sorry, what were you saying, Amanda?”  He grabbed a glass of water and took a big gulp, trying to calm his nerves. 

“I said if there’s nothing else . . . I really do need to catch my flight.”

“Oh, right.  No, I guess there’s nothing left to say . . . I mean ask.  I’ve got everything I need to complete the review.  Look, Amanda . . .”

“Yes?”  She reached for her glass of water and nearly toppled it.  Righting the glass, she looked at him expectantly. 

“I . . . uh, appreciate you taking the time to meet me.  I mean, I know how busy you must be with your . . . uh, wedding and all.”

“No problem, Lee.  It was good seeing you again.”  She placed her napkin on the table and slid her chair back. She was clearly uncomfortable being there with him.  Maybe he should have just asked her the questions over the phone. 

No, he had to see her.  See if she was happy.  She was, wasn’t she?

He stood as she rose to leave.  “Yeah, you, too.  Have a safe flight, and . . . congratulations.”  He handed Amanda her purse and watched as she, once again, walked out of his life. 

This time, it was much harder to let her go.  Was it because he knew she was on her way to become a married woman?  Or was it because this time, he knew what he was letting go?  He heaved a heavy sigh as he threw money on the table and then trudged back to his car. 

He had a lot of thinking to do.  

dddddddddddddddddd

On the short drive home, he replayed his conversation with Amanda.  He couldn’t get over how sad she'd seemed.  She had tried to hide it, but he knew something was wrong.  She didn’t have that sparkle in her eyes that she once had.  That same sparkle that warmed his heart when they had made love for the first time. 

This was all so confusing.  He wasn’t sure what reality was anymore.  What did he want?  That was perfectly clear.  He wanted his life with Amanda and their four children.  But that wasn’t possible, and now he knew it could never be possible--she was on her way to marry someone else.  “Someone . . . someone . . . she didn’t love.  That’s why there was no light in her eyes.  She was miserable!”  The realization finally dawned on him.   

He had to stop her.  He couldn’t let her marry someone she didn’t love, someone other than him.  She needed him, and he needed her.  The glimpse proved that they were great together, that they belonged together.  Now he just needed to convince her of that.

Slamming on his brakes, he made a U-turn in the middle of the street and punched the gas.  ‘There can’t be that many flights to Hawaii in the next few hours.’  He wasn’t sure what he was going to say to her but hoped something would come to him.   

dddddddddddddddddd