Amanda Stetson sat at her dining room table staring at the tiny, round gold object in her palm. That afternoon in the Marion County judge's chambers, she had placed it on its proper place with all her love and devotion. She had never intended to have it back in her possession. Not this way, at least. She thought back seven and a half weeks ago.
She had been sitting in Lee's apartment, waiting on the inevitable news. She knew in her mind that no one could survive that blast. But her heart simply refused to believe that he was gone. They had had such big plans. For on the night of that last operation, they had planned to come clean, as Lee put it, right after dinner. He had worn his ring and she had worn hers, as tokens of the coming openness. Lee had gone to the car to get their marriage license as proof for the ever-skeptical Dotty, but instead of returning, he had been abducted and well, the rest was history.
She had come to their apartment to surround herself with him. She had immersed herself in his scent, in the familiar presence of his clothes, his things. She had lain in his, their bed and sank into the memories of their last night together. Even as she recalled the way his hands had skimmed over her back and shoulders, how his mouth had branded her own, she had heard the doorbell ring.
With that single short peal, she knew it was over. For nearly a week she had hidden here, hidden from the investigation, from the Agency and from anyone who knew her well enough to recognize what she was doing, grieving for the man who was her best friend, her lover, and her husband. She crawled out of the bed, clutching his pillow to her chest. She had peeked out the door and seen Billy with a single white envelope in his hand. She opened the door and he'd entered.
"Amanda, I know this is not what you want to hear, but the investigation is over and the findings were inconclusive, but undeniable. There were human remains in the building. The match isn't definite, but they did find this in the rubble."
The section chief had handed her the envelope. Her shaking hands opened the flap and poured the contents into her palm. She gasped and moaned as if wounded by what she saw as the glittering gold band fell into her hand.
"Amanda, does this mean anything to you?" Billy reached a comforting hand to place on her arm. He was astounded when she viciously pulled away from his touch.
"Don't. Please, don't touch me. I, this, it's Lee's. We, oh god...I'm sorry, I can't..."
"Amanda, I know you were married. I've known for months now. I'm sorry. I know what you were to each other." Melrose tried once more to offer her the comfort of his touch. She stepped further away from him.
"No sir, I don't think you do." She glared at him and registered his look of shock and hurt at her tone. Out of respect for his friendship, she apologized, "I'm sorry, sir. Of course you understand." Her tone was cold and final. She backed him out the door and closed it in his face. She had returned to the bed with Lee's pillow and his ring clutched in her hand.
Now as she stared at the brilliant gold band once more, she fought the urge to cry and forced herself to focus on the task at hand. If she believed the younger Dougan brother, her husband was alive and needed her help. At this point, only she could go to him, because only she knew. She had left the Agency without filling Billy and Francine in on the details of their 'conversation'. Dougan had given her the information he had and she had given him a cold apology as she informed him that there was nothing more she could do to make his sentence any lighter for him.
"Sorry Dougan, but I'm not the one to bargain with. I can't do anything to lighten your sentence or help you out of this hole you've dug for yourself. However, I do thank you for the information, if it's real. If it's not, I promise you, I can make your stay with us much more difficult." Amanda had stood quickly and stepped toward the exit. She turned swiftly at the sound of Dougan cursing.
"You little bitch. How dare you lie to me? I'll put you in..."
He lunged around the table and actually managed to get his hands on her arm before she turned and slammed her open palm into his nose, pushing with her body weight as blood spurted out of his nostrils. She pushed him away from her and landed a sharp punch into his stomach with her right leg. He fell to the floor, clutching his face and attempting to roll into a protective ball. She left him lying on the floor as the guards and Francine rushed in. Amanda walked past her 'rescue' and out of the Agency without saying a word to anyone.
That had been several hours ago and she was expecting Billy and Francine to call any minute to check on her and demand an explanation. She wasn't sure what to tell them. She knew she was going to go after Lee, but she wasn't sure if Billy would let her. Not officially anyway. Mesmerized by the sight of Lee's band in her palm, she recalled the week immediately after Lee's death and how Billy had responded to her when she'd finally made her decision.
Billy hadn't told anyone about her marriage and neither had she. She hadn't told her mother or the boys. Why should they have to grieve for the stepfather they hadn't known they had? She was grieving enough for them all. For a week she had stayed in the apartment, not eating, not really sleeping, and not seeing anyone. The answering machine picked up calls unheard, for she had the sound turned off.
She had relived every detail of their last moments together unendingly, or so it seemed. She had questioned her actions, Lee's actions and every time she came to the same conclusion. It was her fault. She'd failed him. All his teaching, all her training, had been wasted for she had failed him when he needed her the most. When he needed her to use all that he had taught her and all that she had learned, she had frozen. She hadn't pulled the trigger and he had been pulled into that building and he had died. How could she ever face the Agency again knowing how pitifully she had failed them all? She couldn't. She would resign and forget that part of her life.
Even as she came to this conclusion, another part of her asked how could she throw away all that knowledge and training? How could she deny the woman that she had become, the woman that Lee had helped her to become? She couldn't. Because deep inside, she knew that she still believed in why she had accepted that package from such a desperate looking young man nearly 6 years ago, because he'd needed her help and she'd needed to give it.
So after having closed herself off from the world in their apartment for seven days, she stood up one morning and faced herself in the mirror. She looked at the woman before her and knew that she had an obligation to keep, an obligation to Lee, to the Agency, and more importantly, to herself.
Billy Melrose, section chief for more years than he cared to remember, and friend to Amanda Stetson for more than the last five, stood outside the door of her Arlington home and recalled the last time he had waited for her to answer the doorbell. It was not a pleasant memory. Amanda had been closer to physical and mental collapse than he'd ever seen her. He had longed to stay and comfort her after he'd handed over the last remaining bit of her partner and husband, but she'd shut him out. She had coldly apologized and politely closed the door in his face.
For close to a week more, he had tried to communicate with his agent but all to no avail. He had been considering a forced confrontation with her when she had suddenly appeared before him, demanding to return to work and to be sent to Advanced Training. He would never forget that conversation or the look in her eyes as he'd talked with her.
"Amanda, thank goodness you're here. I've been trying to reach you for days. I was just about to call out the militia." Billy rounded the edge of his desk and reached for her arm.
She stepped out of his reach and looked him directly in the eye. "Mr. Melrose, sir, I have something to say. I'm ready to come back to work. And I mean work. I'm not willing to be chained to a desk. And I am not going to go back to being anyone's gopher. I'm a good agent and I want to prove it."
"What do you mean you want to prove it? You have nothing to prove. Amanda, I know that you are a good agent. You and Scarecrow are the best team I have."
"Were." The word was stated starkly.
Billy blanched at his slip. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking..."
"Sir, it doesn't matter right now. I have a lot to offer as an Agent and I intend to give it."
Billy watched her face as she spoke. Amanda normally was very easy to read. She wore her heart on her sleeve so to speak. Today he was staring at blank wall. He had no idea what she was thinking or why. "Very well, Amanda, what is it, exactly, that you have in mind?"
"I want to go to the Advanced Training Course." Her words were flat and blunt, almost as if being recited.
Melrose leaned against the edge of his desk and carefully considered what he'd just heard before he went any further. Amanda had refused the course in the past, stating that she was the brain and Lee was the brawn. Of course she had been joking. She had passed with flying colors all the Agency required courses for self-defense. The Advanced course focused on attack measures, weapons training, and physical and mental stamina. Amanda had always openly admitted that she had no desire to shoot or maim her enemies nor was she certain that she could if she so desired. Her status as an agent had always been unusual and therefore the situation hadn't been pushed. He was honestly flabbergasted at why she now wanted the course.
"Very well. That has always been your option. I'll make the arrangements. It's a weeklong course and it's actually scheduled to start tomorrow so you'll have to wait on the next one in 6 weeks. You can't go this round anyway. You have another week of leave ahead of you." Melrose stood from his perch and resumed his position behind his desk. He pulled out the appropriate form and laid it in front of Amanda for her signature.
"No sir. I want to go as soon as possible. I don't want the last week of the leave."
"Amanda, that isn't optional. Agency policy states that any agent take two weeks leave following the loss of their partner." Billy thumped his desk to emphasize his words.
Amanda stared unflinchingly into his face, "I didn't lose a partner; he didn't just wander away at the grocery store. He died. He died and I couldn't stop it."
Melrose, sensing that this was as close as he was going to get to persuading her to discuss her emotions with him, attempted to steer the conversation that way. "No, Amanda, you couldn't. And if you're thinking of blaming yourself, stop right now. You did all that you could do!"
"No sir, I'm not 'thinking' of blaming myself." She signed the form he'd laid on the desk earlier that granted her permission to take the Advanced Course, pushed it back across the desk to him, and turned to leave. "I'll be at home if you need me. I'll be ready to go for the course by in the morning. Send a car, please. Mother will need mine while I'm away."
Billy watched her leave, knowing that she had won that round concerning the course, but still not sure who'd won the round about blame. He was pretty sure it wasn't him.
Brought back to the present time when she heard the doorbell ring, Amanda knew that her waiting was over. Billy or Francine or both had decided to do this in person. It really didn't matter to her. The end would be the same. She would tell them what she knew and then she'd tell them what she was going to do. They'd argue. She might win, she might not. Either way, she was going to go look for Lee.
Amanda moved toward the front entrance of the house and opened the door to see the stocky figure of Billy waiting on her doorstep. Peering around him toward the curb, she opened the door wide and waved him in. "Alone? I'm surprised. I thought Francine would be with you."
"Uh, she's about 20 minutes behind me. We thought we'd see how I did before we teamed up on you." His tone was sheepish, but not apologetic.
"Come on in. I'll put on coffee and surely she'll be here soon. No need to do this twice. We've got time. Mother is antique shopping out of town with her friends; and the boys won't be home from school for at least 4 hours. "
They walked back into the kitchen. Amanda prepared coffee while Billy watched a bit uncomfortably. Amanda obviously had something to say and these days it was not usually a pleasant thing to witness. What on Earth had Dougan said to her to warrant the punishment she had dealt out? Not to mention to get her out of the Agency without so much as a word to them?
Soon, they heard Francine arrive and come to the door. Amanda waved her in and pointed to the table and coffee awaiting her.
Francine exchanged looks with Billy who shrugged, indicating his own puzzlement. She sat across from him and Amanda joined them. With no preliminary explanation, Amanda took a deep breath, felt for the rings she now wore together around her neck and began to speak.
"West Dougan told me that Lee is alive." She stared over her coffee cup at the people in front of her. Both agents gaped and dropped cups onto saucers with loud clatters.
"He said that Lee is alive and I'm going to find him."
TBC
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.