Title: Ain’t It Good, Babe?

Author: Rita (dittypiddler)

Disclaimer: Scarecrow and Mrs. King belong to Shoot the Moon Productions and Warner Brothers. No infringement intended.

Summary: Once again the title pretty well covers it.

Many thanks to Cheryl for catching my boo boos, and to Miriam and the MEAP Team for the final beta. Any remaining goofs are all mine.

Timeframe: Fourth season. Marriage is still a secret.

Rating: NC-17

Lee Stetson had been sitting in this sleazy bar for almost an hour, waiting for his prize snitch, Augie Swan, to show up. Augie was a fairly reliable informant, but he was not known for his punctuality. And Lee was not happy. He’d planned an evening with his lovely wife, and he was already an hour late. His surroundings didn’t please him either. Even in his wildest bachelor days, he never frequented places like this. To top it off, he was seated next to a drunk, who was bemoaning his marital problems to the bartender.

‘Where is Augie? Damn! I’m gonna give that little weasel another five minutes, then I’m going home.’ He had better things to do than listen to a drunk expound on his bad marriage. Thinking about Amanda, waiting for him at his apartment, he smiled. 'Oh, yeah. Much better things to do.’

He couldn’t help but overhear the conversation taking place next to him. With nothing else to do, he watched the duo out of the corner of his eye.

"Ya see, pal, it’s th’ sex. There ain’t none! Y’know wha’ I mean?" The drunk waved his glass. "It’s always th’ same ol’ thing, night after night. She’s either too tired, or she’s got a headache, or it’s ‘er time o’ th’ month, or some such screwed up excuse. Y’know wha’ I mean?" He rapped his glass on the bar. "Hey, pal, gimme ‘nother one, will ya?"

The bartender obliged him.

From the smell of him, Lee thought, the fellow already had enough. ‘My clothes are going to smell like I’m the drunk. Augie better have something for me, or I swear I’ll break his legs.’

The man downed his drink and continued his diatribe. "An’ I tell ya somethin’ else, pal," he slurred. "Even when I can get th’ ol’ woman in bed, it takes forever justa get ‘er wet! Always hafta use Vaseline, or somethin,’ befor’ I can even stick my . . ."

The bartender interrupted him. "Hold it, buddy! This is a classy place, so watch your language." He moved away to wait on another customer.

Having lost his audience, the guy mumbled to himself, and then his gaze settled on Lee. To Lee’s chagrin, he turned his attention to him.

"How ‘bout you, pal?" His ham-like hand slapped Lee on the back. "Ya married?"

Lee winced. "Uh, no, I’m not," he lied. He wished he could tell this bozo, and the rest of the world, that he just happened to be married to the most amazing woman on the planet.

The drunk leaned closer and placed his arm around Lee’s shoulders. His foul breath assailed Lee’s senses. "Well, take my advice, pal. Don’ get married! Play th’ field. Get it where ya can find it! Yeah." His head bobbed up and down. "Ya can take it from me, pal. ‘Cause when ya get married, it’s all over. Y’know wha’ I mean?" He motioned to the bartender. "Hey, pal, how ‘bout ‘nother drink over here, huh? An’ one for my frien’ here, too." He waved his hand in Lee’s direction.

Lee removed the man’s arm and edged away from him. "Ah, no thanks. I’m fine. Really." ‘I am going to KILL Augie, and he is going to die slow.’

"Awww, c’mon, pal. I hate ta drink alone. I get ‘nuff o’ that at home. Y’know wha’ I mean?" He grinned, showing crooked, yellow teeth. His elbow jabbed into Lee’s ribs. "Now like I was sayin’. Don’ get married. Ya know why? Well, I tell ya why, pal. Ya think ya got yourself a hot one, and then wha’ happens? Well, I tell ya wha’ happens. Ya marry ‘er and find out she’s one o’ them, uh, wha’ d’ya call it . . . y’know . . . like th’ Eskimos got." His brow furrowed, as if in deep thought.

Running his hand through his hair, Lee groaned inwardly. He was fast losing what little patience he had left. Closing his eyes, he clenched his jaw in an effort to resist decking this obnoxious clown. "I think you mean frigid."

"Yeah, thass it. Frigid. I knew it was somethin’ cold like that." He swallowed his drink in one gulp. "Ya marry ‘er an’ ya find out she’s frigid! An’ it ain’t good, pal. It sure as hell ain’t good! Now I tell ya somethin’, pal. I’m a man, an’ a man’s got needs. Y’know wha’ I mean?" The drunk shook his head and stared at his empty glass. "Five years, pal. Five years I been married to a frigid woman! So I say, ya get it where ya can find it, an’ t’hell with this married stuff. Thass wha’ I say!" He was getting more incoherent by the minute.

When Augie Swan walked into the bar and sat down at a table, Lee breathed a sigh of relief. "Yeah, whatever you say, buddy. Uh, excuse me, huh? I see someone I need to talk to." He slapped some bills down on the bar and hurried toward his informant.

"Yeah, sure, pal." The drunk called after him. "Jus’ ‘member wha’ I said. Y’know wha’ I mean? Hey, bartender! How ‘bout ‘nother drink?"

Glancing over his shoulder, Lee wondered how much this Neanderthal could hold. The bartender poured the man another shot of whiskey, and he returned to his previous audience.

Hearing the boozer describe, in graphic detail, the difference between a hooker and a wife, Lee grimaced and shook his head. He sat down next to Augie and pinned him with an ominous glare.

"Damn it, Augie," he growled. "Where the hell have you been? This better be worth it, or I’m going to . . ."

"Hey, Lee! Calm down!" Augie drew back a little. "Long time, no see. How you been?"

"Augie, so help me . . ." Grabbing Augie’s shirt collar, he drew back his fist. He had never been a patient man, and now he was ready to hurt someone. After enduring the drunk, he was in no mood for amenities.

"Okay! Okay! Take it easy!" Augie straightened his shirt collar. "What’s got you wrapped so tight?"

"Spill it, and it damn well better be good."

"Oh, it is, it is." He leaned closer and whispered, "See, I know a guy who knows a guy, and he says there’s gonna be a really big Colombian drug deal going down real soon and . . ."

Lee listened to the information and nodded. "All right, I’ll check it out tomorrow." He withdrew a few bills from his wallet and handed them to Augie. This could definitely wait until tomorrow. All he wanted was to get out of this dump and go home to his wife.

"Yeah, thanks. Take it easy, huh? Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do." Augie leered at him. "You know what I mean?"

After tossing him a dirty look, Lee hurried out the door to his car. ‘God, the things I put up with for national security. I hope Amanda hasn’t given up on me and gone home.’ He pulled the ‘Vette away from the curb and headed for his apartment.

~~~~~~~~

Lee entered his apartment and tossed his keys on the entry table. "Amanda?" he called. "I’m home. Are you still here, I hope?"

Amanda appeared in the doorway of the bedroom, wearing his dress shirt and her tight black jeans. ‘Oh, man, does she look sexy!’ He grinned and watched in appreciation as his wife glided over to meet him. After the day he’d just had, she was a beautiful sight.

"There you are, sweetheart." She slipped her arms around his neck and kissed him soundly. "I was getting worried. You’re awfully late."

"I know, and I’m sorry," he mumbled against her hair, hugging her. "I had to meet Augie at the last minute, and he was late, as usual. You wouldn’t believe the day I’ve had." With a weary sigh, he shrugged off his jacket and hung it on the coat rack. "I had to meet him in a bar that can only be described as a joint. And listen to some damn drunk go on and on about his marriage. Geeze!" Thinking about the drunk and his frigid wife, he chuckled. He certainly never had that problem with his wife. Their sex life was unbeatable, for which he daily thanked God.

"What’s so funny?"

"Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about the drunk complaining about his sex life, that’s all. I hope dinner isn’t ruined." He followed her into the kitchen.

"No, I’ve kept it warm. What’s so funny about a drunk’s sex life?" She raised her eyebrows.

"Well . . ." He told her about his experience, omitting the more colorful details.

"Oh, the poor woman." Amanda bent over and pulled the casserole dish from the oven.

"The poor woman?" He poured himself a glass of wine and leaned against the counter, admiring the view of his wife’s round butt. "Don’t you mean the poor man?" He winked, taking a sip of his wine.

"No, I don’t mean the poor man," she retorted. "There’s no such thing as a frigid woman."

Lee showed his dimples in an indulgent smile. "A-man-da." He drawled her name with exaggerated patience. "I’m a man--"

"You sure are." Her eyes raked over his body, lingering on certain parts of his anatomy. She grinned at him and licked her lips.

"Very funny, Mrs. Stetson." He smirked. "As I was saying, I’m a man, and I have heard of frigid women. Although I’ve never encountered one personally." He gave her a teasing look.

In the beginning of their relationship, he’d avoided any reference to his past social life. It was bad enough that Amanda knew about all the women he’d slept with, before he found her. A few weeks after their marriage, she informed him that it no longer bothered her. Since he knew she was a little insecure about the difference in their level of experience, he had been pleasantly surprised. Of course, he knew she had nothing to worry about. The first time they made love, he knew he would never want another woman. Her explanation pleased him even more. "Oh, I came to terms with that long ago." Amanda had smiled sweetly. "It wasn’t hard, once I realized that now I get the benefit of all that experience."

Remembering how he had given her the full benefit of his experience, he felt a little warm. Amanda’s voice brought him back to the present.

"No, Lee. There is no such thing as a frigid woman, just an uncaring man. The only reason a woman would avoid sex is because she wasn’t getting anything out of it. Your friend must not be quite the lover you are." He caught a little glint of mischief in her dark eyes before she turned back to the stove.

"Oh, yeah?" He stood behind her and slipped his hands around her waist, pulling her against him. "Pretty good, am I?" he whispered, nuzzling her neck.

"Not bad, Stetson." Amanda’s hands reached behind him and gave his butt a firm squeeze. "Not bad at all." Her bottom rubbed against him, and he felt himself harden.

"Ooh, Mrs. Stetson. I wonder what happened to that shy little woman I used to know," he murmured against her neck and began to unbutton her shirt.

"You married her, sweet cheeks." She giggled and gave his butt another squeeze. "That makes all the difference." Her body pressed against him, her hips wiggled, and his jeans felt way too tight.

"It sure does." Lee finished unbuttoning her shirt and pulled it off her shoulders. When he saw that his wife wasn’t wearing a bra, his breathing speeded up. "Maybe I’m a good lover because I have great inspiration." He ran his hands up and down her arms, enjoying the feel of her smooth skin beneath his fingers.

"Oh, yeah? Pretty good inspiration, huh?" Amanda’s hand slid between their bodies and stroked the bulge in his pants.

"The best." He nibbled her earlobe and murmured, "Oh, yeah, the very best." Kissing her shoulder, he ran his hands up her ribs and cupped her bare breasts, savoring their firmness.

She started to turn in his arms, but he gently stopped her. "No," he whispered. "Let me play with you." He unfastened her jeans and pulled them down her long legs, along with her panties. Running his hands up her legs, his eyes swept over every inch of her. "God, you are so beautiful." He held her hand while she stepped out of her clothes.

Lee quickly removed his own clothes and sank to his knees. His hands roamed over her body, caressing every curve. After placing a gentle bite on her hip, he parted her legs. He moved in front of her and planted wet kisses down her abdomen to her mound, his hands stroking her inner thighs.

She moaned, her hands clutched his shoulders, and her body quivered. As he kissed his way around her mound to her inner thigh, every nerve in his own body felt on fire. Pushing her legs farther apart, he sucked the crease between her thigh and mound. Her hands tangled in his hair, and her moans grew louder. He flicked his tongue through her soft fuzz to her outer lips and fondled her folds, tasting her essence. Her legs trembled, and he placed his hands on her hips to steady her.

Looking up, he saw Amanda throw back her head, an expression of pure delight on her face. The sight of her pleasure only fueled his desire. He parted her folds and blew a stream of cool air over her swollen clit, and then closed his lips around it, sucking firmly. She began to shudder, her moans became cries of passion, and her body quaked with her orgasm. When he felt her knees buckle, he caught her and wrapped his arms around her waist to support her. After rising to his feet, he rubbed her back, while she leaned against him.

"Oh my gosh!" she gasped.

He lifted her face and kissed her feverishly. Amanda responded, opening her mouth to him, and their tongues flirted and teased. Her breasts brushed over his chest as she raised herself up, grasped his throbbing erection between her thighs, and squeezed. After maneuvering his penis between her legs, she rubbed herself against his shaft. Feeling the tip of his penis touching her slick entrance, his body shuddered, and their hips moved in tandem. He crushed her breasts to his chest, his fingers entwined in her hair, and he moaned into her mouth. "Baby, I can’t wait any longer."

Lee sank to the floor, bringing her with him. He balled up his jeans for a pillow and pulled her onto his lap, with her back against his chest. After positioning her carefully, he slowly lowered her down onto his aching penis. As he slid into her from behind, they groaned in unison. Keeping one arm around Amanda’s waist, he lay back and pulled her down on his chest. He allowed her to adjust to the pressure for a few moments and then brought his knees up between her legs. Bracing his feet on the floor for leverage, he thrust into her deeper and deeper. Grasping her breasts in his hands, he kneaded her soft flesh.

"Oh, wow," she gasped. Her breath came in quick pants, and she lifted her hands to his head, giving him full access to her breasts, while he rubbed his thumbs against her hardened nipples.

He felt his release building and reached down to rub her clit, wanting to bring her with him. As she began to shudder, he rubbed harder and faster. She gave a strangled cry, her body shaking with the ferocity of her orgasm. Her release was all it took. Lee clenched his hips and planted his feet firmly. Holding her tightly against him, he pounded inside her, and then, with one last powerful thrust, he emptied himself into her. He buried his face in her neck, his body trembling with spasms of intense pleasure.

"Oh, baby," he groaned, his chest heaving. Wrapping his arms around his wife, he kissed the top of her head. With their bodies still joined, he held her against him until their labored breathing returned to normal. When his penis softened, he roused himself and scooted to a sitting position against the wall, keeping her on his lap. She leaned against his chest with a satisfied sigh.

"Oh my gosh, Lee. I know one thing for sure, sweetheart. You’ll never have to worry about me becoming frigid as long as you keep . . . ummm . . . accommodating me like that. Oh, my."

He smiled and kissed her. "Baby, I intend to always accommodate you like that." Completely sated, he nestled his face in her hair and closed his eyes in contentment. Amanda’s head rested against his shoulder, and he caressed her cheek.

Lee suddenly remembered the drunk’s mournful words. "It sure ain’t good, pal." He began to laugh helplessly. As his shoulders shook with laughter, Amanda turned her head and stared at him. He kissed the tip of her nose and winked. "Ain’t it good, babe?"

The End.